Lightsabers and Lollipops

i think being invisible would not be that great. i mean think about it, what do people do when they think that no one is around?

they fart. alot.

plus there's also the nose picking and parts scratching that you just don't want to witness. really.

so there. being invisible, you can keep it.

i want heat vision.

they're here, and they want your money.

the russians are coming.

things to do:

1. pinch random strangers and tell them "hey, i saw waht you did!!!" chances are, they did do something bad in their recent past that deserves a good pinching. be prepared to run...

2. build a tower of my star wars figures. see how close to heaven i could get.

3. be really sad when said tower falls down and damages carded figures. but remember to say in my best realph wiggum voice, "i bent my wookie."

4. sell star wars toys and take money to put a down payment on a bigger house so i can more room to store my star wars toys... um, er, waitaminute! nevermind.

5. start wearing a cape.

6. appear on a VH1 special somehow. it can't be that hard.

7. paint my entire body silver.

8. there is no number 8. i fool you. ha ha ha.

9. somehow rig it so that there is an explosion every time i enter the room.

10. figure out how to get hit by a car without getting hurt. practice every day.

i'm shiny.

...AND WHO YOU CALLIN A PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is nothing in your closet. i have done nothing, or especially placed nothing even semi-dangerous in YOUR closet. in fact, to go and check your closet now would be a lack of trust in me on your part, and that would just hurt my feelings. and then i'd have to pinch you really hard. then you would be pinched really hard by me, and there would still be nothing in your closet! because trust me, there is nothing to fear.....

um, don't look in your basement either...

i don't believe that the scooby doo gang really went around "just stumbling upon" and solving mysteries. i'm very sure that they drove around and actually committed the very crimes they accused these poor old men of. i mean think about it, you could find anybody that is suffering from alzheimers, schizoprenia or even just plain loneliness, put them in a costume and yank off the mask in a room full of strangers and they'll admit to anything. then they'll blame it on those lousy kids and that dog.

that's how they got money to gas up that van and all those scooby snacks, which just aren't cheap.

go ahead, put my theory to the test. go to any restaraunt , preferably one with free refills on coffee, in the A.M. find that one older gentleman who talks to anybody who gets within 3 feet of him about the weather, where they workor how good or bad the coffee is, and politely take him away and dress him up as your favorite ghost or phantom.. take him to another crowded area, maybe even some people dressed as cops, yank off his mask and yell AHH-HA! if he doesn't start confessing to everything and blaming it on the dog then i guess i owe everyone an apology.

so there.

things to do today:

1. rent every tom hanks movie on the shelf. especially the classics such as: money pit, big, bachelor party and to a lesser extent, the burbs. i know, i know, the burbs is on every saturday after war games but hey, carrie fisher was in it.

2. call in sick tomorrow to watch said movies.

3. eat m weight in peanut butter m & m's.

4. call in sick next day for real due to eating said m & m's.

5. learn magic.

6. start a pyramid scheme.

7. find a quick getaway for me and my family when pyramid is discovered by some show on fox and then made into a bad reality show that i just can't stop watching due to the incredibly insane twist at the end.

8. start a website revolving around naked cats.
people will hit it, trust me. in fact you're wondering how to get to this website right now aren't you? well, too bad, cuz i haven't made it yet. ...nerd.

9. find that leprechaun i've got stored in the basement. i caught him in a jar, went upstairs to find something to poke holes in the jar, started watching that stupid taken mini series on sci-fi ...waitaminute! that was last week! oh well, no rush now i guess. never did finish that stupid mini series...

10. make a human torch costume. that's easy. now finding somone who will wear said costume, there's another problem all together. now what am i gonna do with all this lighter fluid and toilet paper?

10.

i learned how to give hickeys from PEZ dispensers.

small children frighten me. you never know when they are going to blow up, start screaming and throwing feces at you. oh wait, those are monkeys.

monkeys frighten me.

let's get this straight. monkeys are those small furry creatures with sharp teeth, prehensile tails and often dressed as cowboys right?

and if there's cowboy monkeys, where are the indian monkeys? did we finally succeed in wiping out a proud race that once owned and made this land flourish before we came with our guns and diseases and forcefully took it from them?

if so, then poor, poor indian monkeys.. i weep for them.

but they still frighten me...