Lightsabers and Lollipops

this entry has been a long time on my mind to write, but i wanted to do it some justice and not mess it up. so here goes.

here's the reasons why i don't cheat:

1) it'd be too much work.

2) i'd not only be cheating on my wife, but i'd be cheating on my kids as well. and i like them.

3) i'd have to shave more often

4) my wife's the one i chose. it took me awhile to find her. so there.

5) i'm afraid i'm not a very good liar. plus we all know that in order to cover up one simple lie, you have to tell another lie. and after a while you can't keep your story straight anymore. then you just look like an idiot. then nobody trusts you, and trust is hard to earn. especially earn back. plus i can't lie to my wife would figure me out pretty quickly. she's one of the smart ones. she may be difficult at times, but not dumb.

6) john would soooo kill me.

7) when i dream, she's who i'm married to. if i'm not married in the dream, she's the one i'm dating. so, subconsciously, i'm not happy with anyone else.

8) i was in the grocery store and noticed a girl i was attracted to, a split second later i realized it was my wife. so on a somewhat conscious level she's the one i look for.

9) she lets me get away with everything, cuz she knows all of the above is true.

10) and on top of all that, i'm so naive that if i was put in a situation that i was forced to chose, i would somehow lose that opportunity without even knowing it. if you read my past entries (and you should) you would know that i just can't talk to women.

being tone deaf sucks.

why, oh why, does carlito's way have a prequel?

john and i were walkin through the mall, back when goin to the mall was the way to shop. now malls are becoming a thing of the past. but cinnabons are still good though... mmmm cinnabons.
anywho, we were walking through one of the core stores, i'm pretty sure it was Sears. one of the ones that had an electronics department. as we were walking out of the electronics department we passed by the entertainment centers. i look behind me to see that john is hefting a full sized TV set and throws it at me! as the TV was hurtling through the sky at me i believe the exact words i yelled were "GOD IN HEAVEN!!!".
because for those few seconds that it took for the TV to fly and land on me i actually had in mind that it was real. i under the impression that i had only seconds until i was killed or maimed.
it was a cardboard replica of a television set. just so you could see how it looked inside the entertainment center.
these are just some of the wacky things that he does to his friends in public.
someday, if you're good, i'll tell you about the time he made me drink "ultimate orange".

and now, the next entry will be performed in mime:


























thank you. hope you enjoyed that.

what would reality TV be without that "BONG" sound?

example:

"what i need for you to do right now, is just shut up and get out of my face!"

(BONG sound)

close up on everybody's faces with concerned reactions.


which honestly, probably weren't even taped at the same time the "BONG" sound was inserted.

God bless America!

scream.

man! i think the spiders really tried to catch me today.

i walked into waaaay too many spider-webs today.

maybe they finally figured out that they outnumber us...

whew, that's a scary thought.

CUZ I'M A HARDCORE AFRO-WEARIN' HIP-HOP ROCKER!!!

one of the happiest days of my life was the day i discovered that i didn't have to play sports or be ultra competitive in order to be socially accepted.

couldn't tell you what day that was...

i have a feeling it was sometime around my freshman year, cuz i was on the football team my 8th grade and freshman year.

not that i would have changed that. i think it made me slightly more well rounded person.

i just came to the realization that it was evil, gay and mean to hate people for whatever teams they happen to like or worse yet, the team their parents told them to like. um, nevermind that for now. i'm sure i can rant about that for days.

let's move on to a funny story.

in between 8th grade and freshmen year three of my friends and i went to football camp at Indiana University.
yes, i went to football camp.
it was a good time, we got to stay on IU's campus for a week, do footbally things and eat in the cafeteria.

this is a cafeteria story.

as you know, a college cafeteria is usually a help yourself buffet style kinda thing.
and we were all about the desserts. there were several to choose from: cakes, pies and pudding.

at the dessert area, my friend patrick fixed himself up with a big bowl of the white stuff that was next to the chocolate pudding. he even used a large serving spoon to take his first bite.

when he partook his enormous helping of what he thought was vanilla pudding, we watched his reaction as he discovered that his after meal confectionery was actually...

MAYONNAISE!

WHO PUTS A BIG VAT OF MAYONNAISE RIGHT NEXT TO THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!!?

it was a bigger tray than the chocolate.

but i gotta tell ya, the look on his face was beyond priceless.
a look of sour, disgust and deception all in one.

anyway, we tried to fool others with the "here' try this vanilla pudding! it's awesome!" gag.
never worked, they smelled the mayonnaise before it hit their mouth.

so if you have poor olfactory senses, stay away from the "vanilla pudding" at Indiana University's cafeteria.

so there.

no. i'm never gonna dance again.
these guilty feet have got no rhythm.

SUPER ROBOT MONKEY TEAM HYPERFORCE GO!

so it's a free encore weekend on my satellite network.
i decided to take advantage of free movie channels by watching such quality films such as:
ladder 49
anger management
con air
beautiful girls

and of course, GIGLI

the ben affleck and jennifer lopez bomb of a movie that you couldn't pay people to see.

and so, out of morbid curiosity, i watch it. and everything bad that was said about this movie is... ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

to tell you the truth, i only watched it so i could use the following phrase:

"THAT WAS THE WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN! ...AND I'VE SEEN GIGLI!"

i watched it with my month year old son sleeping on my chest. it was like watching rainman versus chasing amy versus a yoga video with the "F" word being dropped numbering in the thousands.

the really sad thing was i actually didn't finish it. my wife asked me to go to fuddruckers, and who am i to say no to expensive burgers with all the fixins? so now i feel like i need closure.

here's another sad thing. as i'm typing this, i flipped channels and bang! it's on again!
and i'm watching it, again! at least all i've wasted is my time, which i was gonna squander anyway on some other bad movie.


I WANNA GO TO THE BAYWATCH!

and then matt said,

"it's all about the grilled stuft burrito."

and ya know what?

he was absolutely right.

and speaking of dogs, here's a little thing i noticed while working in many many many people's backyards:

big dogs often have nothing to prove.

for some reason alot of people have a tendency to own 2 dogs that would have nothing to do with each in real life situations. and of course, i find this to be mean.

there's the little yippy dog that constantly barks, and does not stop... until about a half hour after you leave. if they are inside the house, they constantly jump against the doors and windows and scratch everything up inside just to let you know that they don't like you being alive anywhere near where they live and poop. if they are outside, they won't get anywhere near you if you try to pet them and get to know them so they won't see you as a stranger. but they will jump at you and try to bite your ankles. they are lookin for a good kickin!

the big dogs, for the most part, will just give you a big "WOOF" or two. then just come up to you and get to know you. even follow you around and be your buddy. i swear i've seen it in some big dogs eyes: "i'm really sorry for the little punk that i have to live with. at least you only have to deal with the puny turd for about a half an hour. i deal with this ankle-biter 24/7."

i've noticed this same peculiarity in people as well. the little guy who's got something to prove so he picks fights constantly to try to prove himself.
and then the gentle giant, who has nothing to prove, so he just flexes his muscles only when it's necessary and tries not to scare anybody. ...or accidentally crush them.

i'm sure i could have worded this whole entry a lot better and thrown in more jokes, but i was also trying to soothe a baby into sleeping. and he has this thing about needing to be walked around instead of just sitting being bounced in a chair while daddy rants at the rest of the world. mommy just took him, if she can't get him to sleep within 15 minutes he's gonna hang out with me and watch napoleon dynamite from the spot where we left off last night.

this doesn't have very much to do with dogs and their self esteem/size difference, but i hope you see my point.

i almost hit a dog today.

again!

different town, different street, same kind of dog!
once again, a little yippy white fluffy doggy ran in front of my truck today.
again, i reacted in time to avoid cremating the white puff all over the street. (mmm white creme puff...)
and no, this time i did not spill my dew. i finished drinking 88% of it. no tippin that one over.
and yet, once again there were witnesses to my near miss.
a little girl riding her pink bike and wearing a pink bike helmet.
and the guy across the street, who was playing with a dalmation, which i think the yipster was running after.

since there were kids around, i was not driving fast. in fact i was distracted by the dalmation.
cool lookin dogs, dalmations. i've heard they are mean dogs in general. who knew?

but i'm tellin ya! next time this happens to me, i'm just gonna hit the dog and keep driving!
enough a' this! am i avoiding fate by not sending at least one furball of a pooch to doggie heaven?
i'd like to believe i have a bigger destiny than ruining a pink helmet wearing little girls day.
or maybe the little girl would prefer a cat, and she keeps chasing the annoying little mutt into the street. ...i better stop before i start telling a story of an innocent little girly girl gone wrong. maybe some other time.

so there ya have it. i've saved two canines who deserved to be roadkill by bein quick with the brake pedal. and only one spilled drink and a sticky floor to show for it. stay tuned and find out when and if i get my chance again...

THERE WAS NO TITULAR LINE IN STAR WARS!!!

i'm trapped in the 90's!

AHHH!

alright! who tagged my car!

gee, i'm really sorry your mom blew up, ricky.

i wonder if they make 50 pound bags of m&m's.
i wonder how long it would take me to eat that 50 pound bag.
i wonder how long it would be after i ate that bag that i could look at another m&m again.

thanks to my source (er, um, ryan) i'm told that i have to give shout out and a BOO-YA! to the boys and girls of LCC for giving support and love to www.spacemanrocks.com

i'm actually sort of an alumni there. i stayed in room 33 of "the hole"
i was under academic probation for ditching chapel... alot.
i left after 2 semesters due to the music program only being able to teach me to be the person who waved their arms in front of the choir in church service.

good times.

we also made 2 movies.
one about a killer toilet and another one involving super heroes.

but what really kept me from going to class was that crazy hedgehog named Sonic.

watching ren & stimpy at 3 o clock in the morning whille trying to get your baby boy to sleep can seriously mess a guy up.
especially the crappy episodes from the 3rd season.
it just went to poop by then.
so there.