Lightsabers and Lollipops

sometimes i just shouldn't speak.

i can give you a few examples.

i have a friend, let's call him, ...john. he's always had a certain, "charisma" with the ladies.
(once again, while saying the ladies, say it like barry white. if you don't know who barry white is, GET OFF MY WEBSITE AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE REDEEMED YOURSELF!)

and then there's me. i often get that blank stare from the ladies after i say something awkward. the look like you've just mentioned dungeons and dragons to a cheerleader. there, i think that's a good example.

me, not being the D & D type (i'm more of a heroclix kinda guy, although i couldn't tell you the last time i played.) still get the deer in the headlights look from the ladies from time to time.

example # 1:

again, still calling him "john". john was in an automobile accident involving a soda truck, several other cars and drugs being used by the soda trucks driver. a result of this collision was john's spine being out of whack. for which he had to see a chiropractor. he told me that the back specialist had described his back to be like a "banana"
there's the setup.
john and i went to the video store. one of the clerks happened to be "pretty hot" she was talking to john about something, i wasn't really tuned in. and the injury and the fact that he was seeing a chiropractor came up.
i then pipe up and exclaim, "HE'S A BANANA!"
she gives me a look like, who let you outside?
john grabs his videos, leaves and does not speak to me until we are in the car and speeding away. then i got a good yelling at.

example # 2:

again, same john, different location.
Windsor,Canada.
we arrive in canada at 1:30 in the morning. the streets are hopping! Everybody's out yelling, having a good time. we're hyped. go into the hotel, secure a room, throw on some smell-goods and go back outside.

ghost town.

the streets are dead.
so we ask a mountie, hey! where'd everybody go?
he replies, "we close down everything at two 'o' clock, eh. but the casinos still open"
so we go to the casino. i'm not much on gambling, a casino is about as fun to me as Dungeons ad dragons is to a cheerleader.
we look all over for the craps tables, cuz john wants to throw some dice. multi leveled casino, no craps tables. so john asked somebody "in-the-know". the man said there were no dice games allowed in canada.
NO DICE! DENIED!
so i watch john lose a few bucks in the casino, we leave.

while exiting the casino we run into these two girls. they tell a whole sob story about how they lost all their money in the casino and are going to have to sleep in their car that night. i don't really know all the details here cuz once again, i was kinda tuned out.
john said something witty to them and had them going.
me.
i said something along the lines of...

yeah, we're secret agents.

alot of it's fuzzy from that point cuz it just didn't make any sense. but they just looked at me, and then ended the conversation somehow and walked away.

while writing this out and reading it i see that opening my mouth may not be the problem. it seems i just really don't pay attention when women are speaking.

ouch, that last paragraph just has bad idea written all over it. but just for laughs, let's keep it.

again i tell you this: i'm surprised i'm married sometimes. but somehow, i pull it off from day to day.
so there.

wankers.

i almost hit a dog today.
not that it would have been a total loss. it was one of those little yippy dogs that has it coming.
the kind you wanna throw out the window just to prove they can't really fly.
but the family that seemed to own the dog was in their driveway watching my near miss.
the mother gave me a look like she was actually disappointed that i stopped in time.
the trauma would have been if the kids who were playing in the driveway would have seen their beloved "fluffy" creamed under the unforgiving tires of my pool truck. i would have been etched into their memories forever.
but the real tragedy from the experience was the sudden stop made me spill my mountain dew.

the dew i just purchased.
the dew i was currently enjoying.
the dew that was providing me energy and spunk and quick reflexes in order to apply my brakes in order to avoid splattering an annoying family pet all over the street.

i was without dew.
...dew-less.

sigh. you never even had a chance to become my urine!

despite from what i've heard others say, Yoda DID NOT have"relations" with the wookies (especially Chewbacca) in order to bring about the ewoks.

there, i said it.

sure, the ewoks are fuzzy yoda sized little wookies.

sure, chewbacca and yoda seemed to show a buddylike affection in revenge of the sith.

sure, the ewoks seemed to see chewbacca as a father figure in return of the jedi.

...but that does not mean that an ewok is a half breed wookie, and ...well, whatever yoda is.

just accept the fact that the ewoks were cannibalistic teddy bears and leave it at that.

and just keep telling yourself:

today's word cromes from jolly old England.

"chuffed"

in my ebay feedback, i got a positive that reads:

"Chuffed to bits. A+++++"

so i looked it up.

it means (roughly) generally happy with life.

or fart.

i'm gonna go with the first one considering it's followed by a grade i never got in high skool.

cheers mate.

when i'm running over the mushrooms in my yard with my lawnmower i like to pretend that i'm destroying the Smurfs houses.
especially Brainy Smurf's.

i just hate him so much...

more things to do:

1) scream out the word "YAHTZEE!" every time somebody gets on your nerves or something surprises you in a weird way. keep doing this until they go away or your voice goes hoarse.

2) start a fire somewhere. come back after awhile and see if it amounted to anything.

3) while going to the bathroom, constantly miss the toilet or urinal. blame it on your "condition."

4) appear on a show like jerry springer as the guy who has nothing wrong with him and does not care to fight.

5) get a monkey grinder. use it to grind monkeys. when the animal rights activists yell at me i'll just say "that's what i thought it was for! sheesh! if you're not supposed to use it to grind monkeys, call it something else, dag gummit!"

6) fake my death for tax purposes.

7) make a statue out of peanut butter.

8) start a chia pet army. try to take over the world. When they lock me up, make sure someone looks after and waters them.

9) start something like a bell choir, only with kazoos, or whistles or even animals that squeak instead of bells.
bell choirs are annoying. wait a minute! so are kazoos, whistles and squeaky animals! forget the whole thing! choirs are gay anyway.

10) find a way to make everything bite sized.

i forgot how very little patience i have with babies...

for instance: IF YOU ARE TIRED, T H E N S L E E P!

years later, a doctor will tell me i have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

our employees are no longer required to wear 15 pieces of flair.

i try not to surround myself with people who are waaaay too sensitive...

cuz let's face it.
if you're easily offended, you are missing out on some pretty good jokes.

this shouldn't bother me. ...but it does.

people who sit in their front yards on lawn chairs and watch the day go by.

it could be the hottest day of the year, and yet, there they are. sitting in a plastic lawn chair just watching events unfold in the radius that the front of their house encompasses.
to me, it's eerie.
just plain creepy.

is there nothing better to do?

i know daytime television sucks, but, c'mon!!! to just sit there and catalog that your neighbors parked their car differently or left the house several times to pick up kids or groceries?
i could almost understand it if there was a book in their hands or some sort of project. then i could justify wastin the day away and even getting outside for awhile. (again, this really shouldn't bother me, but i'm ranting here)

so, as an alternative to setting just the right butt-groove in your favorite lawn chair, i've made a list of things that are more fun, exciting and less creepy than sitting and outright spying on those that dwell around you.

1) reading

2) watching some form of entertainment such as: movies, television or even (dare i say it?) sports events

3) going to www.spacemanrocks.com continuously, maybe even sign the guestbook...

4) starting your own website, complain about people who sit inside and watch movies and park themselves in front of a computer instead of getting outside more often (see, it works both ways! freedom of speech. AMERICA!!! .... YEAH!)

5) puzzles. puzzles can be hours of fun and frustration

6) widdling

7) frisbee golf

8) real golf

9) running an illegal card game in your basement or garage for the mafia

10) heroclix

11) baking things

12) bootlegging DVD's

13) reading more

14) quoting "napoleon dynamite" poorly

15) going inside and cooling off

16) writing letters to gary coleman

17) cleaning and taking care of your household

18) TV and VCR repair

19) starting a band (the neighbors will miss your quiet staring, but at least you're doing something...)

20) build a robot.

so there ya have it. i gave you 20 things to do. try not to hurt yourself.

i live in a pretty big area.

although i'm pretty sure i was the only one driving around in my neighborhood blasting the Japanese version of the Teen Titans theme song at a considerable volume in my car today.

just a thought.

my new favorite line from the Brak Show:

I NEED SOME COLOGNE, A SLEDGE HAMMER AND A RAINCOAT.

NOW!!!!

KUNG FU HUSTLE!!!!!

she kicks high.

...and then john said,

"they are all like giga pets."

and ya know what?

he was absolutely right.

previously, on spacemanrocks.com:

AND THE REAL NAME OF SPACEBOY IS.....


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and now, part 2:


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AND THE REAL NAME OF SPACEBOY IS...


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# posted by Space : 8:22 PM  0 comments