Lightsabers and Lollipops

things i've learned from watching Lifetime - television for Women:

1) men are pigs
2) you can make any social disorder such as bulemia, anorexia or being picked last into a two hour movie
3) it's fairly easy to fake your own death
4) i've never seen a movie that involves ninjas or killer robots
5) if you've ever wondered where a former TV or movie actress is that was once popular but not so much anymore..chances are she's on lifetime. such as: linda carter, that one chick from L. A. law and any actress that was on the show growing pains.
6) men are jerks
7) "golden girls" is actually pretty funny
8) girls should never leave the house because all boys and men are potential threats
9) no commercials for toys
10) ice cream cures all bad things, except men and their inherent evilness...

i've pointed this out before to others...
in the carly simon song"you're so vain" she sings, "you're so vain. i bet you think this song is about you..."

well, that would lead you to believe one of two things:

1) you are vain because you think this song is about you.

2) you're an idiot. because the song is sung to you and about you and you don't think this song is about you, you just aren't paying attention and have missed the point.

now that's just plain great songwriting there carly.
oh well. i'm done for today.

drink pepsi.

i can't sing.

but that doesn't stop me.

rock on.

if i ever get a dog i want to name him Parvo.

now, if anybody, especially dog lovers, knows what the parvovirus is they would realize what a "not nice thing to do" this would be.

parvo is a highly contagious disease amongst canines, generally puppies, that causes diarrhea, vomiting, depression, high fever and lethargy.

now why? ohhh why? would i want to name my dog this?

maybe it's just the reactions...
the name just says, "don't touch my dog."
good luck finding a vet who will take him as a patient.
it's a meaner name than "killer" "butch" or "princess"
it sounds french?
cuz i'm evil.

come to think of it, that seems to be a better name for a cat.

why do junior high girls hate each other so much? why?

thank goodness for port-o-potties.

i'm turning the key to the door outside my house at night and as usual there are many bugs such as moths, mosquitoes and other flying menaces surrounding my overhead light.
then bam!
a moth flies right into my ear!
i freak out. my first reaction is to stick my finger inside my ear to get it out.
yes, i squished a bug further into my ear.
this only made me freak out even more.
luckily, the bug died without any more struggle.
if i had seen this happen to anybody else i would probably not stop laughing.
once i had cleaned out most of the remains i continued to shiver for about ten minutes.
i've handled some gross stuff before and been unfazed.
i clean swimming pools, i pull all sorts of dead things out of water.
but when a creature expires inside your inner ear, that is all kinds of wrong.
you wouldn't believe how many q-tips i went through in order to feel i had purged all remnants of the deceased flying pest.

of course, i have to leave you with this Deep Thought by Jack Handey:

when something flies across the back of the room and bites someone on the back of the neck, and he screams and tries to get it off. i have to laugh, because, what is that thing?

i've been experiencing difficulties with getting into my blog. so, i've been all kinds of frustrated. i blame "the man". he's always tryin ta keep me down.

i took two pictures with she-ra, princess of power at comic con(wizard world chicago).
she was hot.

i missed saturday thought, that's when nerds with money really dress up. my friend dan got pelted with chocolate coins buy a guy dressed as a pirate. he had it coming.

i also found out that i will never have as much charisma as john(the artist formerly known as gio). but y'know what? ..i already knew that.
he just walks right up to the front of the line to get in and the staff made me wait in the line with the other sad loserlike nerds. I WAS WALKING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM!

it felt very much like that old movie wayne's world II that i rarely ever refer to, where wayne and garth are walking next to cassandra and she gets in and they are left outside in the loser section pining after heather locklear.
ahhh, movies. so much like life...sort of.

anywho, to leave you with a wierd thought:

when are you going to be replaced by a robot? ..it's only a matter of time.

so i'm noticing candice keeps popping up on my questbook.
and candice is australian.
or at least pretends to be...

that means Spacey is worldwide baby!

WOOO!

australia, where they happen to be filming an awful lot of the star wars prequelness.

anyway, yes, morta aka justin. yes, its spelled tauntaun.
and i quote steven sansweet, the man with the biggest star wars collection in the world and author of the star wars encyclopedia:

"tauntaun easily domesticated reptile-like creatures insulated with gray-white fur, they are sometimes called snow lizards.wild tauntauns roam the frozen wastes of the ice planet Hoth, where they graze on lichen. although initially ornery, the spitting tauntaun can be atmed and ridden. the animals were used as mounts and pack animals by the Rebel alliance when it had its base on Hoth. although their thick fur protects tauntauns from extreme temperatures, they can't survive Hoth's brutal nights and must seek shelter. but during the day, tauntaun herds can be seen running across the plains of ice and snow."

so there you have it.

i believe that is the first time i've typed the word "ornery" in my blog.

and candice, if you're wondering about tauntaun pie, it tastes terrible.
it's very slimy and you can never seem to get all the hair out of it.
that, and it never heats evenly.
"and i thought they smelled bad on the outside."

and people ask me, how do you make money doing this?
and i answer,

volume.

the angus diet is not a REAL diet.

so i'm watching the end of Footloose when the kids are all at the high school dance that they have fought the whole movie to have. (i was flipping channels on a Sunday, so there)
kevin bacon and his classmates are all dancing their hearts out to kenny loggins. it can be done, i've seen it.
i'm noticing how much that must have been a nightmare to film.
watch it sometime, at least the end. glitter is CONSTANTLY falling from the ceiling, onto the the dancers. it's not a special effect. remember, 80's movie, no digital. hard specks of glitter. i'm sure there were minor injuries.
and goofy lookin chris penn (yes, sean penn's brother) does his little dance, which he practices the whole movie with kevin bacon. and all i could think of is his line in the movie reservoir dogs, "YOU STOP POINTIN THAT GUN AT MY DADDY!"
and it makes me think of my buddy steve szoke, and how he made me laugh by quoting that line. ya had to be there...
anyway, i guess it's just funny where the mind can take you when kevin bacon is involved.
i wonder what he's doing right now....

comic con is coming...
and i ain't got no loot.
i need loot.
to spend on things.
things i like.
but i have no way of getting said loot.
so i won't be able to buy said things.
things i like.
i just hope more people dress up this year.
especially like wonder woman.
she's hot.