Lightsabers and Lollipops

a new entry? where?

three down.

RECOGNIZE!

REALLY?



no wonder the Empire lost to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks.

if this is what they used for the speeder bike simulators, it explains why they couldn't avoid trees or even stumps.

they didn't stand a chance.

what the heck's an aluminum falcon!?!?

i think my new cussword is gonna be "bloody boogers."

i mean, it's just unpleasant.

not as unpleasant as feces, fornication or the body parts they come out of.
but still, not pretty.


booyacka!

i figured i'd better buy somethin at that dunkin donuts after what i did to their bathroom.
i probably used up that blueberry muffin's worth in toilet paper alone.

well, it's that time "o" year again. time to start workin outside.
and that means tryin to find places to pee pee and poopee.
i've been meaning to write some of these stories for awhile.

now i actually do like workin outside. despite being a redhead and having skin that gets crispy real quick i seem to have developed a tolerance to the star we call Sol. the only thing i really hate are the freckles they leave behind. those don't wash off.
my farmers tan is coming in rather well.

anyway,
i would like to share with you one of my worst fears:
being inside a port-a-potty that tips over.
whether it be by weather, gravity or even by some hooligans who think they are funny.



but i've said it before and i will say it again. thank God for portable bathrooms.

one of the worst things about my job is having to find a place to poop.
i've never been too big of a fan of the public bathroom system, but i do what i gotta do.
let's go through some proper gas station bathroom etiquette, shall we?

1) always, always, always lock the door if it's a single room. this is for everyone's sake. for the person using, it's a privacy issue. for the next person to be using, it's a dignity issue. i still have nightmares about walking in on that biker dude standing up peeing with his butt hanging out. (shivers)

2) when in doubt, make sure the toilet flushes before making a deposit. nobody needs to see what you're trying to get rid of. so make sure it has a place to go.

3) this carries on from the last one. always make sure you flush frequently and finally. a clogged toilet is not a happy toilet. of course, i can't imagine a toilet ever being happy with it's position in life. if toilets did have feelings, this would be a sad place to live.

4) toilet paper is not only used to wipe your tushie. it can be used to clean the seat that you whizzed all over. it's multi-purposed.

5) if the gentleman seems to be taking more than his share of a turn and you are outside dancing and trying not to explode all over the fountain drink machine, feel free to use the women's bathroom. just follow all of the above mentioned rules doubly so. thank you.

okay, that said. let's move on to some funny stories.
some guys that i work with are lucky enough to drive in big box trucks that have some kind of privacy in the back. in case of emergency, they can use their own truck as the facilities. we just have to be courteous to others who also ride with us or use the truck. it is important to mark that used mountain dew or algicide bottle.
and for those "bigger" problems, mark the bucket with an X using duct tape.
it can avoid all sorts of unpleasant problems.

(for instance, one of our guys was pouring what he thought was a bottle of algicide into a pool while he was talking to the customer. he noticed halfway through but decided quickly to pretend nothing was wrong. he just doubled up on the chlorine and added a "real" bottle of algicide. this happened a long time ago. and it wasn't your pool. so there.)

by the way, subway napkins make the best toilet paper of all the restaurant napkins to choose from.

unfortunately, i drive a pickup, so there's no place for me hide in the back. some guys just open the door and hide behind while they wee. i'm too tall for that. don't need to be makin my privates public.

i had to use somebody's pool shed or else i was gonna look like all the cool kids who pee their pants in billy madison. i used this orange scoop that i use for chemicals. after i was was done "doin my business" i was in the process of putting my "member" away. (josh told me never to call it that around him again. sorry josh.)
well, as i was doing this, i kind of spilled the cup... all over the shed floor. sigh.
it took a few trips, but i washed it away as best i could. i still feel bad. kinda.

i went into a port-a-potty and was just about to unzip when i heard a buzzing. i looked up to see many, many yellow jackets. i couldn't get out of there fast enough.
i decided to hold it till the next one i came across.

i painted the walls of one and that was embarrassing. i still had to work afterwards around it. it seemed to take forever. i did my best to clean that up too. but theres only so much you can do with that cheapy toilet paper.

i really need to stop talking to myself. i'm pretty sure anyone outside that speedway bathroom would have heard me say the words, "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

one time the only thing i had to go number 2 in was a container with a three inch opening on top. actually i was pretty impressed. i didn't miss. i would have been in quite a pickle if i did. there just weren't enough subway napkins if my aim wasn't true.

i'm sure i've got more stories. but i better quit.
it's gettin harder to sit down and really write due to the fact that this is the busiest time of the year for me. so spacemanrocks.com may have less dialogue and more pics of me as a teenager. they take less brainwork.
pretty soon my schedule is gonna be: wake up, work, go home, eat, sleep, repeat.
no time for candy. hopefully i can squeeze more frisbee golf in this summer. i've already gone once and if i go again i will have doubled the amount i got to go last summer. whoopity doo!

and don't worry. i wash my hands frequently.
and moist towelettes are grrrrr-eat!

and then john nearly stranded me at the monkey house...

it's a small world after all



there are some who protect and respect.



there are those connive and contrive.



and then, there are those who just take what they want and run like there's no tomorrow.




sigh.
i've got a lot of movies to watch this summer.

Yay Spring!!


wait, what?

i've come to the conclusion that the reason why the weather is so crazy cold and just not right in the chicago area is that the earth is off it's axis.
we are spinning way out of control.
AND WE ARE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE SUN!


and the government doesn't wanna tell ya because they don't want you all to panic.
not i'm a conspiracy theory nut or anything.
i've just seen way too many bad sci-fi/fantasy movies.
messes with the head.

but i'm sayin panic! go crazy! loot the food king!

and by all means, drive as slow as possible as if you've never seen snow or rain fall from the sky before.
oh, you're already doing that?
well, that was sarcasm. if i could use reverse psychology and get you to do the opposite of that.
like, um drive like there was a pregnant lady in your cab about to give birth.
i would not wanna clean that back seat.


ah well.

it's a sucky time to be a pool boy.

soooo cold.



p.s. i got attacked by a chihuahua yesterday.

HELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CHREASTERS!!!!


i did mention i hate holidays, right?

no matter what they celebrate, commemorate or commiserate.

bah! boo! and phooey.

somedays... i can see my marriage going this way.



i mean, c'mon! seperate beds?