Lightsabers and Lollipops

classic.

football to the groin.

poor nate.

cheesy double beef burrito is way too many syllables for those poor taco bell employees

i had to pee so bad today i was making lamaze breathing noises in order not to wet my pants.
when i finally relieved myself in a mcdonald's bathroom i couldn't remember the last time i ever felt that great and empty.


wooo!


...don't squeeze the Charmin.

scary clown.

i'm almost finished with book 4 of the Stephenie Meyer Twilight series and i've come to the conclusion that if you removed the words or phrases: beautiful, perfect, i love you, and any form of the word electric from the text you could fit the whole series in about 300 pages.

i know the story may even get a bit confusing with the absent dialogue.
but then Episodes I, II and III would have been better without Jar Jar as well.


there. i said it.

another alternative would be to make a drinking game out of it. but i don't drink, so what fun is that?

i also kept yelling out the word MARTYR a lot all through the books.



...chicks, man.

i ate the worst burrito today.

it had a leaf in it.

we gave this wonderful magifulous fry from arby's a name. but i can't remember what it was. shows how much respect i have for food with personality. it tasted great though. i wish i was eating it right now...

Summer of 1986.
July 5th.
The last day I was ever fascinated with fireworks.

My friend John K. and I were using up the last of the fireworks in the front lawn of my house. What we had left consisted of just firecrackers and those wonderful little things called jumping jacks (also referred to as crazy jacks).




Well, we, as most young grade school or junior high boys do, got a little stupid with them and decided to do something crazier than just lighting them off and running away.
We decided to throw them at each other.
Again, stupid. Young. Immortal.
I believe I threw one at him while he was sitting Indian style and it landed on his lap ( right on top of his “special area.”)
He quickly rolled out of the way before it went off and looked at me with murder in his eyes.
Speaking of eyes, the next one he threw at me landed inside my eyeglasses. Lightning quick I ripped them off my face and sent them to the ground saving my self from having to wear an eye patch and hear pirate jokes for the rest of my life. so we decided to quit the firework game of catch.
But we didn’t quit lighting them. There’s a trick with jumping jacks that we previously discovered. If you stand them vertically, they will fly off in any random direction for a short distance. Well, we found out that sometimes you could be standing in that very direction.
Sure enough, we lit one and it flew right at me. Lemme explain something about myself. If I’m trying avoid something, I usually run right into it. Makes me a terrible, terrible dodgeball player. And that is exactly what happened here, the crazy jack flew somewhat in my direction. From my friend’s description, I dove right into it’s path.
Of course, the firework stuck, and it burned a hole through my Epcot Center T-Shirt and also the flesh on my side.
I actually remembered what Officer Friendly told me in case I catch on fire. so I stopped, dropped and rolled.
I went upstairs and knocked on my mom’s door and told her in a calm voice that I had been burned. She did not panic due to my subdued reaction. But boy! She certainly showed some extreme emotions when she saw the damage that a simple firework had done to my side. My mom, was after all, a nurse. So she knew just what to do. She set me sideways in a cool bathtub. Then we took a trip to the E.R.
The rest of my summer was ruined due to the wound. I couldn’t go outside cuz I couldn’t sweat into the dressing and get the burn area infected. So indoors with my comic books and TV shows I had to stay.
I’m sure my life was in no way affected by that…

Maybe someday I will tell you how I burned down my neighbor's backyard.

i think i killed something on wednesday.


i suppose you want to hear the story about it now.

sigh.

okay. here goes.


some pools have what we call auto covers. where the cover of the pool rolls back automatically or at the very least, magically.

so i rolled back the cover for a small lil pool with a huge tree hanging over it.
when i walked toward it i heard something that made my blood curl. it was a screaming sound coming from the base of the cover where it rolls up. it sounded like a vulture on crack. i stepped away slowly, not turning my back on it, and started to roll the cover closed. i half expected to see a streak of blood smearing on it as it went. the other event i half expected to happen was something slimy and bug-eyed to come crawling out in absolute pain screaming something like, "IT BURNS US MY PRECIOUS!"




well, after about 30 seconds of waiting and not seeing anything mythological or bleeding sleek out of the opening i decided to get back to work.
and whatdoyaknow? after a short while, the shrieking had stopped. that didn't keep me from being extra careful while walking anywhere near the torture rack of death.
it occurred to me that that poolside probably really smells now. whatever animal i crushed, there's no way it can smell pretty. probably doesn't help that it's been an unusually warm week.

ah well.

i could really go for a giant steering wheel sized cookie right about now.

i really need to sit down and write something...

it's your turn to write the caption for this one.

how do you make God laugh?

i was having a pretty good day today.
...up to a point.

i was getting my work done without any major problems and way ahead of schedule.
i even got to drive by a different restaurant that i miss eating at cuz i am haven't passed by it at lunchtime. they give you like an endless bag of fries with your order. so i went in and confidently ordered a gyro special with no onions. (wifey's hanging out with her friends tonight so i knew for sure we weren't makin' out. safe to eat a gyro.)
but as i reach into my pocket i find that i only have 4 dollars. not enough to pay for my delicious meal. this disheartens me. on my person, i was supposed to have 9 dollars. i told the guy to hold on, i was missing 5 dollars. i check in the truck to see if it fell outta my pocket. no dice. i was pretty sure the wad of cash i had was folded a certain way in my pocket as not to fall out. sigh.
so i backtracked my cashflow from that morning until feedin time.
it wasn't hard. easy math even for me. i started the day with a 10 dollar bill. i stopped at a gas station and bought a pop for 1 dollar American.
and that's where i think i went wrong. i just folded the money that the gas station clerk gave to me into my pocket. i think she pulled the ole " took a ten and thought it was a five" trick. i am pretty sure her register was five dollars over at the end of her shift. or she made herself 5 dollars richer. bugger.
or else, i made some little punk very lucky who happened to be looking down and catch a five spot on the ground and he goes and buys drugs and candy with it. sad.
either way, i just spent 6 bucks on a soda. dang.
so back to the gyro joint. i come back into the store and tell the guy i have to cancel the order cuz i lost 5 bucks in between there and the gas station. this was as he was placing the finished order into the bag cuz he thought i was just running out to the truck to "get" my money. i was feeling down and mad about the whole thing and therefore, my decision making process (which is not that stellar in the first place) gets very muddled and slowed down to a snail's pace.
someone smart would have made a deal to give the merchant of greasy food an offer of 4 dollars for what he has made already. who knows? he probably had to throw the food away anyway. 4 dollars looks better in the register than nothing. or, i could have whipped out the bank card and payed with plastic. my wifey hates it, i mean HATES IT, when i use the card for 5 dollar lunch purchases or anything piddly like that. so i'm guessing that is why that solution didn't spring up so fast in my mind.
so i exited the store saving all the foul language and punching the air for inside my truck as i drove away.
i ended up driving to a circle K and only buying a bag of chips. not a good substitute for drippy lamb meat sammich.
i really don't get depressed that often or about much. but this little thing just brought me down hard. i was dragging my feet at my next couple stops. anyone who saw me would say i had an invisible weight bearing down on my shoulders.
i was like a defeated Charlie Brown, sad music and all.
you gotta understand here, losing 5 bucks took a chunk out of my already depleted budget for this week.
don't feel too sorry for me (i know you don't) the reason why my food budget was so thin was i HAD to buy Iron Man on DVD this week. so there.
but here's where the story picks up. i got done with work early today so i went to the recycling place to trade in some metal for cash.
don't ask me where i got it or why i got it, just know that i been meaning to recycle it. you don't know nothing about the business. nu-thing.
the odd thing was, the total for my return was... 5 dollars.
if anyone mentions karma i'm gonna give em a paper cut to the eyelid.
i'm not much of a karma guy. i find it funny on earl. but i prefer to think of it as checks and balances. no biggie.
so with my 5 dollars American in hand i drove straight to the nearest gyro place and ordered myself a gyro special with no onions. i walked outta that restaurant with a big cheesy smile on my face and headed home.
got home. kicked off the shoes. poured myself a glass of Pepsi with a kick of Lemon. i dig lemon flavored Pepsi for some reason. popped in season 3 of My Name Is Earl and ate my tasty lamb's meat on a pita slathered in sauce.
you would figure after all this trouble, it would have been the best tasting sammich i have had in a long while. but lo and behold, it wasn't that great.
they even forgot to forget the onions. but i had been through too much today to get to that point. so i just picked em off.
i hope this is the last time you ever have to read a story this long about someone losing a five dollar bill.




THERE'S THE FLAVOR!!!!