Lightsabers and Lollipops

my daughter just asked, "Does Jesus go to sleep?"

good question, actually.

Ultimate X-Men #65.

Colossus admits to being gay.

and my world shatters.



lemme explain a few things to go with this rant.

with the rise of Comic Book movies actually being box office blockbusters and not "straight to video" garbage the comics that they are based on rose in popularity for those who were not especially interested in that genre.
that was a long sentence.

but kids and adults were having trouble jumping into confusing storylines that have been going on for over 30 years.

so the comic book companies decided to erase the chalkboard and start over again.
so Marvel comics came up with the Ultimate storyline.

where a 15 year old Peter Parker gets bit by a radioactive spider in the year 2000 and not 1962. he doesn't have any spider-clones to worry about, and hopefully not ever. he has to deal with high skool probs and face villians for the first time as opposed to fighting them for the 191st time. and almost anybody with half a brain figures out his real identity.

where the X-Men are formed for the first time. they haven't survived through 10 presidencies and are still in their 20's. it's very similar to the movie and that's the draw to newer, less nerdier audiences. for instance, no "Seige Perilous."

they also revamped the fantastic four and the avengers, for those who care.

but, yes, a fresh start. they kept some things the same, like Professor X was still bald and magneto could still kill you with a box of paper clips.
but what kept me glued was the drastic changes they made. some for the better, not too many for the worse. and they could feel free to kill characters if they chose.
like somehow nick fury turned into samuel l. jackson. or the fantastic four got their powers by an experiment with negative space gone wrong, as compared to stealing a spaceship and flying through a cosmic storm. (i know, neither is believable, shut up. it's sci-fi) or that storm falls in love with beast, and then he turns blue ...and dies.

there were lots of little things that they made different. but the changes that they made to my favorite X-Man didn't hurt until i recently read it in back issues.

COLUSSUS



in the not-so-ultimate comic storyline, Colossus is a Russian farmboy named Piotr Rasputin. He was the strong guy on the team with a big heart and the skills of an artist. he had a thing for Kitty Pryde, and had an illegitamate child ruunin loose in the savage land. he even died. for awhile, i thought it was gonna be permanent. nobody truly dies in the comic book universe. so in true form, Joss Whedon wrote hime back in to the X-Men world. his sister, still dead.

then comes the Ultimate X-men storyline. the differences, kind of subtle.
he's still a former Russian farmboy. but he somehow got inducted into the Russian mafia. happens all the time. then he joins the X-Men. cut and dry, guy who turns into metal. fights bad guys. sometimes slams a car on top of them.

then, (sigh) other comic book nerds start telling me that he's gay. i don't really wanna believe this. when brian michael bendis and mark millar were writing it they didn't really delve into the matter.



and then brian k. vaughan comes along. and bam! gay. all of a sudden, he's complimenting people's pants and blushing when he's around Northstar.

Northstar, a Canadian named Jean -Paul Baubeir, is a known homo sexual in both the ultimate and not-so-ultimate universe. which i didn't really blink at. fine! have all the gay Canadian super heroes you want! feel free to deal with these issues in your... issues! but why couldn't you leave my favorite steel Russian outta this?!?
(yeah i know steel Russian sounds like a drink, and maybe it should be)

you can kill him and bring him back all the live long day. but make him a queer, and he's dead to me.



um, i still want this statue. this one was to commemerate the death of the totally-not-gay Colossus. the one that doesn't go to homecoming with Northstar.

i think i'm all done complaining about this today. but i will probably never stop being mad and sad about it.

and don't touch that. you don't know where it's been.

Bumblebee's a Camaro?!?!?!?!?!



forget everything you know about Transformers.
...then you might enjoy the upcoming movie.

i have a very bad feeling about the human cast of the film.

http://imdb.com/title/tt0418279/

i mean, ...tyrese? bernie mac? shia lebeouf?

and Peter Cullen as the voice of Optimus Prime. which is darn cool, cuz he played it originally in the cartoon series. But he also gives life to the famously depressed stuffed donkey, Eeyore. with that information in my head i will constantly see Prime saying things like:

"(sigh)okay, Ironhide. i guess we'll go fight Megatron now. (sigh) although it's not gonna make me feel any better."

i tell ya, Eeyore needed therapy and pills.

on the other hand, i could see Eeyore ordering the other anilmals in the 100 acre wood to "Transform, and roll out" when i'm watching Winnie the Pooh with my daughter.

and if you have no idea what i'm talking about, then you are one of three things:

1) a youngin who doesn't know a thing about 80's pop culture or the cartoons and toys that it gave us.

2) a girly girl (or gay) who's favorite movie may be "the notebook" or "bridget jone's encyclopedia". (if you fall into this category, you need to go sit down in "time out" and think about what you've done.)

3) michelle.

if you are any of these things, God bless your naivety. cuz you could watch movies like Transformers or X-Men without abandon.
no expectations. no letdowns. er, ...sometimes.

or you could be like some of us who watch these movies and hurt our brains cuz Spider-Man shoots webs out of his skin instead of using mechanical web shooters.
you know who you are.

but i still like having all sorts of knowledge in my noggin (as useless as some of it may be) as opposed to believing that 24 was based on a true story or that wrestlers really hate each other.

"there is no knowledge that is not power."

FIGHT!


p.s. there better not be a love story in the Transformers movie. i will set hollywood on fire.

i just gotta know!
when you ...people rent DVD's,
do you end up using them as napkins?
is it something you ate that involved peanut butter and jelly?
i mean, what would make you place whole sticky hand and fingerprints all over the bottom side of the disc?

and i'm not talkin about the icky films that you rent from the back room when only guys are working in the store.
let's leave that alone.
i'm talkin bout movies like happy gilmore or reign of fire or season 2 of the office.
movies that shouldn't involve sticky sandwich toppings or fingerprints that C.S.I. could identify without using a computer.

and another thing!
do ya try to see how many times you can skip the DVD's across the parking lot before you return them?
do you tape them to the tire of your car and then drive to the video store?
i mean, if you don't like the movie, then don't take it out on the disc.
just return it to the video store so the next poor soul who rents ghostbusters 2 can hate it just as much but still be able to watch it in any player.
so what i'm saying, people, is:

STOPPIT. just stoppit. alright? alright.
now.
say you're sorry.

and did i mention the fact that i hate holidays?
yup, just hate em.
there is no Santa Claus.

hey! i didn't get a HARUMPH outta that guy!

From: Dew To: You

so when i told rachel i had one of the worst pictures of her, ever, she thought it was this one:



no, she's not drunk.
no, she's not on drugs. (well, maybe too much caffeine)
no, she was not just beat up by clowns.

but, there is a picture that was worse. um, this one:



again, not drunk, stoned or beaten by circus performers. she was just overly hyper cuz she was having a super fun good time with a bunch of silly high skool girls.
you know how they get in numbers.
it's just whacky.

and she can't blame me for these scary photos of her.
they were taken by this girl:



this girl, let's call her, heather, stole spacey's camera and took all sorts of bad, i mean, goofy pictures.

you suckas are just mad cuz y'all got served!

you must smell like feet wrapped in leathery burnt bacon!

and then john used a cooking pan as a tent spike hammer.
. and then the pan handle broke off after a few swings.
.. and then we burned our hands while using the pan after the damage had been done.
... and then i came home and apoligized to my mom for breaking her cooking tool.
.... and then she asked me why the heck i was using her cooking tool as a real tool.
..... and then i said "john did it."
...... and then she very sadly informed me that the the pan was a wedding present.
....... and ever since then people have reminded me never to use a pan as a hammer.
........ so there.

renting movies with Kal Penn on the cover seemed like a good at the time....

Dang! that was a tasty gyro.

Dinglenoose eats his young.

from time to time, mice get into my garage to chew on everything, poop and pee on all surfaces imaginable and ruin my life.

they are all controlled by the personal demon assigned to me, Dinglenoose.

at first we put out mousey poison to kill them. that worked, but instead of going off somewhere else to die (like they were supposed to) they crawled into a storage box and withered away. leaving a stink that made your flesh curl.

my wifey, being proactive in the mousehunt, bought these plastic mouse traps that snap.
ya bait em with peanut butter. mmmm peanut butter, (SNAP) ow! that's the third time today!



anyway.

it's my job as the man is to set, and more impotantly, empty the traps.
and i'm glad it's my job, cuz i'm pretty sure my wife would throw up if she had to do it.
these traps are gruesome.
they don't just trap the mouse, they straight up squish the mouse.
a more accurate description would be that they squeeze so hard and so fast that their guts shoot out.

yup, gross.

well, i had to throw a trap away this week. here's why:
i re-baited the traps with gobs of oh so tasty peanut butter. which by next morning had claimed another victim. except that this tiny mouse seemed to have a pretty good story to tell from his demise.

i'm guessing when the trap shut down on him he tried to escape by running further into the trap. so it ended up clamping down on his lil mousey butt.
which squeezed out his last poop and pee which i figure is his final "screw you" to his killers. i.e. me and wifey.

so his wee head was almost sticking out of the back of the device. he must have put up quite a struggle.

i found him in the morning before going to work and didn't have time to pry him free. so i left him to take care of after my business day.

the story gets mysterious...
when i get home, i see that the trap has been moved about 6-8 inches from where it was. then i picked it up and saw that something had eaten the mouses face off.

now that raises a lotta questions!
1) do mice eat other mice?

2) is there something else living in my garage that i need to set a bigger trap for?

3) was this little guy in trouble with the mouse mafia? was he made an example of?

4) do androids dream of electric sheep?

5) will i ever be debt free?

6) what will it take to make Dinglenoose to stop?

7) what killed the dinosaurs?

8) will my hair ever grow back?

9) can mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four stretch every part of his body?

10) will they ever release "parker lewis can't fail" on DVD?

well, there ya have it. another Dinglenoose story.
i know ya love em.
maybe that's why he won't stop.
it's a symbiotic relationship.

i'm gonna go eat tacos and watch star wars now.

y'knowwhat!

i spent some time typing up this long entry last night. got halfway through it, read it back to myself, and trashed the whole thing.

got too preachy, wordy and not so funny.
and we here at spacemanrocks.com are all about the funny.
...i hope.

so now you guys are stuck with this bad picture i took at the Luxor.



have a good weekend.

my winter hours start on november 20th. i was thinking about carving out a boat in my spare time coming up.

but i will probably watch movies i've already seen, read comics and curse at video games.

hopefully i will be able to give you some great stories on spacemanrocks.com

...are you gonna eat that?

so jordan p thinks that instead of toilet papering someone's front yard in the dead of night we should decorate the trees with Christmas lights.

and i think he's on to something there.

the intended victim can wake up the next morning to a buttload of Christmas cheer on their lawn.

and if you're like me, you don't got no Christmas cheer. zip, zero, zilch.
so that would make me all kinds of cranky like.
cuz i think holiday decorations are a waste of time money and precious plastic that could be used to make star wars toys.

but i did add that if you're gonna light up their lawn's life you need to put an angel at the top of their tallest tree. just seems like the right thing to do.

so there ya go jordan p. you're idea is out there. good luck with that.

robble robble robble.



and this picture has nothing to do with anything.

...and then john threw a fake TV at me.

my "year of evil" continues.
i just found one of the white elephant presents i'm gonna give away this year.
and ain't none of you other people are gettin any real presents.
i be broke.
so there.

and thanks to lots of halloween candy, i've gained some of my poundage back from bein all kinds of sick a few weeks back.

did i mention i hate holidays?
hmm, i hear those ca-razy jehovah's witness' boycott holidays. i wonder if they have youth groups...

144,000! here ah come!

so i'm drivin behind a car today that had a license plate that read, "SO UNIQ 2"
and i thought, um... NO YOU'RE NOT!
there's a person who beat you to it and they are "SO UNIQ 1" and they think that they are special.
and no, they aren't special either.
well. what about "SO UNIQ 3" and so on. and so on. etc.
just a reminder that yes, yes, we are all individuals.

i gotta go watch a reality show now...