Lightsabers and Lollipops

alright...if you view my guestbook (and you really should sign it as well) you will see the jordan aka j-penny has made one of so called valid points that the alternative to organized sports is silly games with people who are already sweaty from walking from their mom's car to the store. maybe it's due to the fact that they hang out in buildings that have no windows. maybe some ventilation would help these poor nerdy souls. but goodness no! please don't let the sun shine on them.

is there no hope?!?

hmmm, probably not.

i'm gonna go buy some little debbies now.

i've never quite understood organized sports...
yaknow, like baseball, football, basketball, soccer or even rugby. i know i am one of very few American men who has this problem, but i just have a problem with making it a point to be as close as possible to another sweaty man who is breathing heavy. you're going to have to forgive me for saying this, but i just find these activities to be too homoerotic. there, i said it.

as for me, i'm very protective of my personal space. i'm not a very big fan of anyone standing right next to me. so why would i want someone to be closer to me than even my wife gets sometimes. i just don't see the fascination. enough on that, i believe i made my point on the anti touchy thing.

another thing i can't seem understand is the need to chase after the stupid ball that is being used for any of these sports. i mean, i don't even play ping pong for this reason. more than half of your recreation is spent trying to retrieve the pathetic projectile. gee, that's fun. (sarcasm) a little help? ha!

and i've never been a very competitive person either. no point in feeling like poop if i or my team didn't win. i mean, i do understand man's competitive nature. sure it sucks to lose. but i've never seen a point to doing anything unless i'm gonna have fun. being a sore loser or winner just isn't for me. i'm still going out for frosty chocolate milkshakes afterwards.

what really really gets me... is sports talk radio. sometimes i have to listen to it at work. it's just plain sad. i've never heard so much moaning, complaining and whining and i've done junior high overnighters! the only thing i can find positive about sports radio is i can turn it on and feel good about myself because it makes me realize there are numerous people out there dialing into these radio stations that are less fortunate in the brains department than me. yes, i just called a lot of people...stupid.

but who knows? maybe someday i may change my mind. i may want to got the gym and practically hug other sweaty men and chase after balls. i may want to be in a bad mood for days or gloat so much that people want to hit me in the jaw due to the outcome of a game. i may even want to sit around and yell at the TV so that maybe the coach or player who can't hear me will change his mind about the way he decides to play the game three states away, because i will know that i can make better decisions than any professional athlete ever can.

maybe not.

it's probably because i just don't drink enough. ....or at all.

give me something to write about in my guest list and i will rant about it.

(sigh)

right now, my mind is blank about anything but selling my stinkin heroclix on ebay.
(see j-penny's blog for a funny clip about that, some parts of his story are not true, i did NOT ride the short bus. and that thing about josh and jacki meeting, well, the truth is a little more boring...)

so give me a subject, and i will put my personal twist on it.

...NOW!!!!

girls are gross.

send me money.

here's some free advice to all slow drivers on the road out there:

if someone is driving behind you and they seem to be right on your bumper, they:

A) are a better and faster driver than you and would like you out of their way as soon as possible.

B) would like you to possibly speed up just a tad.

C) are borderline psychos who are driving like madmen that you should let drive by you so that they are out of your life as soon as possible.

D) don't understand why you would make it your personal goal to be in a complete strangers way and are trying to get into an intentional accident to prove a point that all drivers should not speed at all, in fact, they should drive 10 miles under the limit just like you.

anyway, i hope those of you who are guilty of being nothing but an obstacle on the roadways get my point. especially if you are the gentleman who was driving the green jeep cherokee in front of me on the way to work this morning.

p.s. sir, your breaks work perfectly fine. you no longer need to keep testing them sporadically. thank you.

dalmations are mean.

remember:

1) the Lord loves a workin man

2) don't trust whitey

3) and see a doctor and get rid of it

first of all, i'd like to say that i have never liked the idea of male cheerleading. that's just wrong on so many levels.

moving on.

things to do:

1) get in a high speed chase. make sure that the song "bang on!" by propellorheads is playing loudly while driving. also make sure that other drivers get in unnecessary accidents as i speed past them.

2) build a robot. well, i have done this. but this time i will use metal and gears and gyros, not just cardboard and crayons. ohh ohh, and this time...i won't program it for evil.

3) hit george lucas in the face with one of those novelty extend-o-gloves. he has it coming.

4) sing on a barry manilow tribute album.

5) make puppet of myself. blame all bad things on him.

6) try out for the lead in "hair"

7) find a way to hold up a sign to say what i'm thinking all the time. Such as: these are really good onion rings. or i've seen the movie, and his wife killed her.

8) once again. there is no number 8.

9) fight crime, from a distance. cuz let's face it. fighting crime isn't safe. it's just plain dangerous. evildoers beware...

10) two words: baby chickens.

guns.

y'know, i've got a room in my three bedroom house that is dedicated to Star Wars, Marvel comics and other nerd like paraphenelia. it's a cluttered mass of collected plastic that will someday be someone else's gain or just trash thrown out by their moms. and then someday it will all melt.

but i digress.

there is one thing that kind of sticks out in the "Star Wars room" as we call it. (Ellie laughed when i called it "my office" one time) it's the flowery drapes that adorn the top of the shades. they were left there by the previous owners and i just never got around to replacing them. they are not even drapes. it's one of those"runners" that is stapled to the piece of wood holding up the blinds. i hung some figures on them, that kinds of takes the edge off the floweriness.

so if you ever have a chance to see my "office", try not to point and laugh at the "pretty 80's flowery design" curtains. i might have to poke you in the eye with a plastic to lightsaber.

and they have warnings on the side that say specifically NOT to do that.

but i'm a rebel.

so there.