Lightsabers and Lollipops

things to do:

1. shave my body bare so can become a better swimmer.

2. learn to swim.

3. put a neon sign on the front of my car that reads "YOUR BREAKS WORK FINE! PLEASE STOP TESTING THEM. THANK YOU, NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY."

4. TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK ON MY KEYBOARD.

5. start removing my freckles.

6. learn how to remove an appendix. y'know, just in case.

7. hire ninjas to do my bidding. good ninjas this time!!! not those bargain basement ones i got last time! i'm still not in good graces with that women's dress store...

8. find a happy place. find a happy place.

9. cover everything i eat with sprinkles from now on.

10. agree to do that true hollywood story with E! it's time my horrible yet entertaining story was told.

fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire (deep breath) fire fire fire fire fire fire
fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire

well, the fiasco with the legos is over at last. they got a few good licks in, but i still feel that i won the fight! anyway, getting back the matter at hand: why children and small dogs hate me.

did you ever notice that in movies, when someone is evil or has a sense of foreboding about them that children cry and dogs bark at them? well, that leads me to my conclusion.

i am inherently evil.

i'm crazy. i'm stark raving mad! i sleep with my socks on! i'm slashing prices! i miss the toilet seat on purpose!

actually, to tell you the truth, none of these things are true of me. i'm a just a big bald teddy bear. children actually like me for some odd reason. i'm the one who is afraid of small children... and camels.

and little dogs? they're just jealous.

legos...legos.. can't stop legos from.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh!

no nothing for me thanks. just browsing.

so it's 4:30 in the morning.. i know that's when the lame cartoons are on. but seriously, "captain planet"??? there are way better bad cartoons out there that are just dying to be re-shown to kids with insomnia. not some green mullet wearing pathetic semi-super hero trying to stop dr. sludge from spilling oil on the whales in a polluted rainforest!

the toy line was even lame. usually 80's nostalgia toys are selling very well theses days. but you can't even give the captain planet toys to homeless children.

there are a ton of 80's-90's cartoons that it can be replaced with: snorks, the miscellaneous adventures of ed grimley, gummi bears. heck, even punky brewster had her own cartoon!!!

i think i might start wearing a utility belt. not a yellow one like batman, but something more practical and not as noticable. having things like grappling hooks and mini flashlights are fine, but what i really want is those gas pellets that help you disappear. think about it, a conversationgets boring and..."poof!" you're gone! your friends or co-workers are confused and befuddled but they move on and get over it.

so there.

NO! YOU SHUT UP!!!

well, the count is in. one out of two viewers of this blog do not like eating sawdust. this will not be a long blog due to the fact that i'm in lots and lots of pain. i mean lots. i have a little problem called a cyst that makes it very difficult to sit, stand, lie down, hum or even make fun of nerds. so i'll just grimace in pain and say, matt, YOU NERD! ...ouchie. and j-penny, stop eating sawdust or you'll go blind.

sign my guestbook or i'll make you eat sawdust.

if you find yourself cussing, cursing or swearing alot, try replacing your naughty words with the word "smurf" in the form that is needed.

i mean, i'm sure the smurfs cussed all the time. i could never understand what the smurf they were saying.

just don't do it around me.

that's just smurfing annoying.