Lightsabers and Lollipops

another prime example of why i hate people.

the following is a conversation between myself and a customer at the bookstore i work at part time:

the - dashes - represent the storytelling.
while the (parenthesis) represent what i was thinking but not saying out loud.

enjoy.

Customer –
excuse me, do you work here?

Spaceykins –
yes I do.

- she gives me a scowling look like I’ve done something wrong already –

Customer -
do you have any Barack Obama calendars?

Spaceykins –
no, I’m afraid we have been out of those for awhile. Once we hit the end of the year, we no longer stock any more calendars. When we sell out of them, we don’t get any more.

Customer –
why not? You should have them.

Spaceykins –
well, lemme check with the rest of the store.

- at this point I go on the store walkie-talkie system and ask if we have any obama calendars left. -
- I know the answer. -
- they know I know the answer. -
- This is a show to illustrate that I have asked everyone, including the manager, if there is any way in the world that this store has any items in question in stock. -

Spaceykins –
no ma’am. There are no more left in the store, we have been out of that calendar for awhile.

Customer –
well, can you order more?

Spaceykins -
no. I am sorry. We don’t order calendars. Once we run out, we are out.

(I thought I said this before)

Customer –
Well, why not? You should be able to order them. That makes no sense.

(sigh, here we go…)

-At some point, one of my managers says over walkie that the only way to get one any more is to order them on our .com/website. –

- I suggest that –

Annoying Customer –
well your’e gonna have to do that for me in the store. I don’t know how to use them computers.

(no surprise there)

Spaceykins -
ok. No problem.

- the computer that runs our .com is super slow. So this adds to the misery.-

Spaceykins –
ok, good. They still have some left on the website. They are half off. Also good.

Annoying Customer –
do they also have any of his comic book?

(this is the next annoying thing for us booksellers, Obama is supposed to be appearing in a Spider-Man comic book this week. So the question of the day has been “do y’all have that comic book with Barack Obama in it?” of course, the answer is… no. not because we hate you. Not because we don’t want you to have it. Not even because we are hiding it for ourselves and are selling it on ebay. The answer is no because we simply do not have it. And if we did have it, we would sell out of it fast. And then we would no longer have it. Still.
Not that I’m against a guy who already won to continue with positive publicity. I think his public relations team are geniuses. It’s just that I’m a comic book geek and politics usually aren’t a big part of that world. All I gotta ask is, “et tu Spidey?”)

Spaceykins -
No ma’am. We don’t have that. Magazines come in on Tuesdays and Fridays. They are first come, first serve. We don’t save or order them.

Annoying Customer -
Well, why not?

(oh, for the love of…)

Spaceykins -
We just don’t. magazines are different. They are limited and they are only out for a certain amount of time.

(I know that means the same thing, but I was considering my audience at this point.)

Annoying Customer -
Oh, well I don’t see why we can’t reserve them.

(it’s because people like you would complain that we are playing favorites by reserving them for people and that we are losing money by not selling them to customers who are actually in the store with money and somehow we would also be racist as well. I’m just sayin.)

Spaceykins -
We just don’t.

Annoying Customer -
Do you have any more of those obama dolls?

(really? I mean… really?!!)

Spaceykins -
Lemme see. Nope. All we have is an obama paper doll book in the kids section, did you want that?

Annoying Customer -
No, not right now.

(no, you want to wait till we are sold out. Then get mad cuz we can’t order any more. Then throw a fit and keep asking why when the answer is a definite no.)

Spaceykins -
Ok.

- so I go through the order process, remember, the computer is slow, so this takes time and other customers start to gather and stare at me. I can feel their eyes burning into me as I wait for this ordeal to be over.-

- we get to the point where I’m about to submit the order and she asks if we can order two of them.-

(HU-WHAT!?)

Spaceykins -
Suuuuure.

- so I hit the back button about 4 times, and begin again. We get to the part where it asks for an email address. The section has asterisks next to it. Which of course means you can’t go on unless you fill out that info. So I ask: -

Spaceykins -
Can I have you email please?

Annoying Customer -
What do I look like?! I’m 54 years old. I don’t know anything about no computer stuff. I don’t see why they be needin your email if you don’t have one. They just tryin to get me to sign up for all kinds of stuff I don’t want.

-at this point another elderly customer chimes in and starts going off on junk emails and how all they do is send you viruses and just hating the digital age. –

(doesn’t any one teach these people how to use the “junk filter” on their email? Sigh.)

Spaceykins -
Alright, well, they won’t let me order this unless I have an email…

-at this point she starts into another tirade about technology but I cut her off and do something stupid by entering one of my email addresses. I was desperate. This woman needed to get out of the store and out of my life. Oh, did I mention my shift was almost over? –

-After the credit card information was entered I hit “order” and hoped fervently that it would go through.
And lo and behold, it did not go through. It informed that technical difficulties prevented your order from being filled. -

(sigh)

- luckily. I was able to just go through the motions from the “shopping cart.”

(whew)

- as I’m finalizing her order, she actually asked me this question: -

Annoying Customer -
Do you have a King James Bible… written in plain English?

(oh. You have got to be kidding me!! Did she actually just ask that? Am I being filmed? Is this a test? If I stabbed her in the eye, would anyone notice?)
Spaceykins -
I… i… have the New King James version. It has a lot less “thees” and “thous.”

Annoying Customer -
No, I had a Bible that said on the front of it “King James : in plain English”
I need another one.

Spaceykins -
Well, here’s the NKJV. That’s the best I could do. Maybe you might have better luck at the Family Bookstores down the street.

(that's right! i'm trying to push you off another store. lete them deal with a mean lady who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. please get out of my life and be someone else’s problem. PLEASE!)

-at that point it was time to clock out so when she asked if we had any Bibles in plain English that also had larger print, I said I would go check.

-…I went to the back, clocked out and left the store. Apologizing to my replacement, but could not explain why I couldn’t talk about why I was leaving in such a hurry. Sorry, dude.)

- I had to go! If this lady was going to ask me why they didn’t have a King James Bible in plain English and that they should and that it wasn’t right that there was no King James Bible without any “thou shalt” and we should be able to order it on the website I was probably going to do everything I could to tip a bookshelf on top of her and walk away wiping the dust from my hands. –

So there.


This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers.