Lightsabers and Lollipops

so it was just me and my daughter today. my wife took the boy to a baby shower. fun, fun, fun.
since i didn't feel like makin anythin in the kitchen, i wanted to take her out to lunch. a wee lil date with my wee lil girl.
aaand since i only had 5 American dollars, i chose to eat at sam's club.
honestly, not a bad decision. i knew that it would be crazy. i knew that sam's club on a sunday afternoon was one of the zaniest places on earth.
but where else are you gonna get a big*** hot dog and drink for only $1.50?
so feedin 2 even left me with 2 American dollars to spare. good times.
but here's the story of waiting in line:
good thing i went there with a preemptive good attitude or else i would have gone nutty-bats.
we walk through the book section of sam's and the girl let's me know how much she wants the dora and blue's clues books. if i would have had the money, she would have walked out with one. i love that she loves books and reading. more people should.
but, budget, 5 American dollars. sigh.
then we get in line for food, it's a bit long, but i notice that most of it is one family. big family, lots of girls, sunday dresses. i lazily assumed they were baptists. i have my reasons.
the great thing was that nobody was causing problems in the line. trying to order food that was not cooked yet. attempting to pay with checks. etc.
the line, as big as it was, moved smoothly for a sunday afternoon.
here's the funny part that i wish i could have video taped. the girl in front of me, she had a cart, and some teenage kid that kept jumping in and out of line with her.
SHE WOULDN'T STOP MOVING!
i'm not talking shifting her balance from one foot to another like most people do in line.
no. she had a bout a 3 to 4 foot radius that she kept pacing in more random a pattern than even i could think of.
and my daughter, she's young, so she doesn't think that some lady is gonna constantly try to step on her. luckily, she played over by the stair rail and even met some other kids. played with them, and told them about everything she was currently wearing. she even mentioned the clothes she had at home. my girl like to give inventory.
but the girl in front of me. dang! i'm pretty sure it wasn't a bathroom issue. she had the kid to stand in line for her and we were 2 feet from the bathrooms.
i'm pretty sure it was an uncrontollable nervous thing.
i pace like that when i'm on the phone in my house. drives my wifey crazy. so i was a little sympathetic.
i was afraid she was about to start swinging her arms just to get more space. i had to leave her plenty of room to roam. so much so that people kept askin me if i was in fact, in line.
it was a bit terrifying.
then i sat down and had a pleasant meal with my child. she likes to fidget but nothing that i had to yell at her in public about. she listened very well when i told her to sit down and eat. it probably helped that she was actually pretty hungry.
while our surroundings were a bit on the opposite side. parents with numerous amounts of kids, constantly snapping at them to sit down and what not. made me very glad that i got snipped.
mind you, i do and will have days when i am at my wits end with my kids in public places. nobody's life is perfect.
i'm just sayin, that except for the near trampling of some loco girl in a blue jumpsuit, it was a pretty good lunch date with my favorite redhead.


support you local record store.

DINGLENOOSE STRIKES AGAIN!

finally, i can bring this story to you with pictures. it actually happened 2 weeks ago. but the camera i used didn't get along with my computer. (few devices do)

anywhatchamacallit. here it is. another tale of the shiny demon who taunts my life assaulting my olfactory senses and vomit threshold usually involving the demise of a mouse or two.

i was cleaning a pool in a "kind of like" farmland area. as i finished, i noticed what i thought was some straw stuck in the pool return. that's the little "jetlike" thingies that shoot filtered water back into the pool. the opening is about a half an inch wide.

so i innocently reach in and pull the piece of straw out of the return and ewww, i notice it's kind of slimy and flexible. the words that escaped my mouth in a flash were, "OH GUH! IT'S A MOUSE!"



yup, that's right. it was a small mouse, being shoved as hard as possible rear end first through the pool return. ...gross.

i would have loved to have just left it there, gone about my bidness, and be on my merry way. but i couldn't leave a pool in an unsanitary way like that. it's kinda my job.

so i turn off the pool system. didna need to unscrew the eyeball that he was trapped in and have his remains shoot across the pool. that would be just a goofy mess.

all the while, thinking happy thoughts. (mainly involving jessica alba and/or cadbury eggs) i then cautiously unscrewed the makeshift coffin.



worse yet, i had to pry him out with my knife. don't worry, i washed the knife off. still grossed me out. happy thoughts. find a happy place. (repeat)



so there ya have it. the corpse of another victim of what i'm sure is the possession of Dinglenoose.

what i figured happened to the poor fellow was: there is a hole in the bottom of a pool filter that we leave open during the winter in case any water gets inside. sometimes critters like to make that filter their home. well, the pool gets opened, that hole gets closed. and whether he was alive or dead when it happened. he was sucked into the lines of the pool. and that's where our story begins.

hope you enjoyed Spacey's gross story o the day.

i love you too.

I KNEW IT!!!

i'm pretty sure this was a naughty movie.

...in the 70's.

so i'm pretty sure, in fact absolutely sure, that it has nothing to with me.

i could sure go for some taco bell right about now.

FINE CORINTHIAN LEATHER!

once you start using the word "libarry" instead of "library", it seems there's just no going back.
i blame lisa simpson.
and satan.

Burger King commercials are really freakin me out lately.

there, i said it.

i'm gonna end up wearin diapers someday, i just know it.

alright, don't tell me you don't play air guitar or keyboard on your steering wheel while you drive.
don't lie to me.
anywho, i was listening to "weird al" while driving today and i found myself playing air accordian with the steering wheel.
i may need help.

I

HATE

INDIANA.

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick. You're always willing to lend a helping hand. In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going. "15 seconds to showtime!"

DANGIT, JOHN!!!! YOU'RE WRONG!! THE MUPPETS ARE WRONG! AND THERE IS NO MAFIA!!!!!!!

Happy Resurrection Day, ya Crazy ChrEasters!!!



i'm gonna go eat some Cadbury Eggs.



mmmm candy chicken embryos...
(place Homer-like drooling sound here)

i've been in search of inspirado for some time now for the next big entry.
that, and now that it's warm my computer tends to overheat on a dime.



so i just figured i'd put up something to grab your attention.
if you're like me, you get distracted easily.
oooh! look! something shiny!

IT'S

it's amazing that i gained respect at my workplace by imitating Meatwad from the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force...

does Long John Silver's base their years revenue on lent season?

is it like, their Christmas?

do they have to hire extra people to keep up with the volume?

do they panic if key employees call off sick?
like: "you can't call off today! it's friday!!! are you insane?"

and what did you mean, slow of mind?

there are two types of people in the world.

those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't.

-Bob

Spacemen, Go-go Girls, and the True Meaning of Christmas


Plot Outline: Aliens have come from the planet Uranus to steal Earth's resources. Its up to a group of Go-Go dancing Private eyes to stop them!

find me this movie. just find it. i gotta see it.

i haven't seen the dentist since i've been married.

sigh.

i'm sure gonna miss my teeth.

if that's not sad enough, i've been paying for dental insurance this whole time.

that's money i could have spent on candy and fireworks.

or at least lots of pop rocks.

that's like candy AND fireworks.

the care bears shot rainbows out of their bellies.

and the capitol of Nebraska is Lincoln!

i'm smart.
but i'm slow.

i pray that you never know how frustrating that is.

i've never gotten the hang of whispering.

i understand the idea of it, that's for sure. i never want people to overhear what i'm saying in hushed tones. probably cuz what i have to say is mean or spiteful.
when i try to whisper, at first it comes out as mumbling. i try to keep it not so intelligible so anyone else who may overhear won't be able to decipher.
this only annoys the person i'm intending to communicate to.
they have to continually ask, "what?"
thus, defeating the purpose. and after several attempts at keeping my voice low, i either give up my message, or speak normally and abandon the subterfuge.

today called for a lot of whispering.

it was the last seminar i had to go to today. and MY GOSH! it was boring.

pool heaters. we went to learn how to fix them. our teacher tried to inform us about the entire history of keeping pools warm. every little bitty detail was brought to surface today.

here's the sad thing. our host did not know how to use alternative words to describe the pieces parts.
here's an example:
the example term is, UNITHERM GOVERNOR.



this speaker must have used the word UNITHERM GOVERNOR two-hundred and sixty seven times! it's a fancy word for a particular "thermostat." but he only used that word once or twice. this training seminar had started at 7:30. it was supposed to end at 4 or 5. he was going page by page, and he was taking about 20 minutes per page. at this point he had 2 chapters to go, AND IT WAS THREE O CLOCK!
so i was getting a little stir crazy. well, very stir crazy.
so by the two-hundred and thirty eighth time he proclaimed UNITHERM GOVERNOR i turned around and whispered loudly to my co-workers that it would make a great drinking game to take a shot every time he uttered UNITHERM GOVERNOR.

now keep in mind, i don't drink. but i love the idea of drinking games. getting stupid because of something repetitive. my favorite example i could give right now would be if you are watching challenge of the superfriends, you would partake every time the announcer said, "meanwhile!" or "i've only got seconds to spare!"
i'm still trying to figure out an alternative substance to ingest. probably something sugar filled. so instead of getting drunk, i would just get chunky and toothless. lemme know what you think. i'm not about to become an alkie just because i wanna play a game right. ...moving on.

so the guys behind me picked up on it right away. please remember, i'm going all kinds of nutty bats right at this point. so anything remotely funny would have sent me into bouts of stifled laughter.

(matt, jordan. stickers, purse. funnier, worse. inside joke, keep moving.)

the best worst part about it was, THE GUY KEPT ON SAYING IT! UNITHERM GOVERNOR! UNITHERM GOVERNOR! UNITHERM GOVERNOR! UNITHERM GOVERNOR!

if it was the "word of the day" on pee-wee's playhouse, we would have gone deaf from all the clanging and yelling.

as it stood, my partners in crime kept saying stuff like, "oh!", "there he goes" and "drink!" i was burying my head in my hands and biting my hand to keep from laughing out loud. which only made it worse.cuz then all the sound came out my nose. it drew some stares. but even the guys in the row in front of us caught on. so we had about three rows cracking up anytime he refused to deviate from the term, UNITHERM GOVERNOR! if i was drinkin milk it would have shot outta my nose all over table, walls and free T-shirt that says, "training tour 2006." (no joke)

i was a wee bit embarrassed. and so beyond glad that we were able to actually ditch the rest of the class and head home. at the rate he was going, the class might still be going on. we don't even buy their product. we just went to learn how to fix it. which, um, i'm pretty sure we didn't walk away with that information.

well, that was my adventure for today. i hope tomorrow involves ninjas.


p.s. a side not to that story, he worked in the word "rectal thermometer" at one point while talking about water flow to try to throw us all off. no one stirred. i found out later that everybody did hear him say it, ...but they didn't think it was funny or want him to stop speaking so he can laugh at his own joke. sigh.

i have been procrastinating like crazy about doing anything with my "MYSPACE" account.
because:

1) i'm lazy.

2) i have enough fun seeing how many hits i can get on this lil ole blog o mine.

3) i'm afraid that it would end up consuming me and my time as it has so many others.

4) from talking to others, i've heard that it is what a lot of people use to find people to, well let's just say it, have sex with. and believe it or not, that's not what i use my computer for. i look up movies and comic books.

4.1) most of the people who are and would be in my "MYSPACE" friends are high skoolers.
mainly, high skool girls.
most people who know me are aware that i am a high skool youth sponsor. but those all over the world would certainly look funny at a 30 + year old guy with a bunch of teenage girlies on his friend list. so i wanna be real careful how i word my profile.

5) i'm still lazy.

anyway, here is the url for spacey's myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/space4prez

until i get off my butt about setting up a cool looking one, or getting somebody who's more computer savvy to do it for me, GET OFF MY BACK!!!

PEACE!

HOLY CATS!!!



i... i just don't know how i feel about this.

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