Lightsabers and Lollipops

and this is why i don't like going to Cornerstone anymore.

do any of the people in this picture look like they are happy at all to see me?
i told my wife to take the picture fast of what i was about to do. the people in the little camping area i had never met before that pic was taken. and the only words i ever said to them were, hello and thank you. the jar of peanuts that i am holding was in the spot that i needed to sit my fanny. but honestly, in the earlier years of going to c-stone, john and i had some adventures where we could do no wrong and people gave us free things for just being alive.

here's a few of those tales:
(i'm gonna mix em up, and not get the facts straight cuz it was so long ago...)

1) the trunk of my lincoln town car was big enough to camp in. not that we did in fact, camp in it. but we did like to pop out of it and scare passers by to much of their joy and merriment. we did it one at a time. c'mon, we weren't stupid enough to both get in a trunk and be locked in until someone smelled the bodies. gimme some credit! besides, the guy outside had to warn the trunkee when the victims were coming.

2) john brought jugs full of tea. this led to him inviting everybody who had ears to hear to "tea parties." i think we were more popular than the people who had the "bubble party" a few tents down. they printed up flyers at home and everything. two words people: charis ma! they started calling him "teamaster. i think they even chanted. it seemed to die down so i went to sleep. at arrooound 1:30 AM john unzips the tent to wake me to say "there's at least 40 people out here! i ran outta tea and they won't go away!" i told him, sure, whatever, see you in the morning. went back to sleep.

3) some people like to dress up at cornerstone. Lord knows why. it's in july so it's hot & muggy or rainy and hot and muggy. there was one person dressed up as a clown that walked by our site. john saw him, yelled, "CLOWN!" and ran the opposite direction.
we did not see john until the next morning.

4) another person dressed up as michael myers. again, full outfit, rubber mask, hot and muggy. well, i decided to tackle him to the ground and scream, you killed my auntie! i've seen a few halloween movies.
i've never seen michael myers run away.

5) two kids were riding by on a horse. i went up to the horse and said, "they're beautiful. what are there names?" we gave the horse some corn. i don't believe we said a word to the kids.

6) we put out and empty tea jug with a note on it: need gas money to get home.
i believe we made about 19 dollars.
we didn't really need gas money...

7) we threw things at ellen in an exciting game called, "throw things at ellen"

8) we walked around asking for candy. you'd be surprised what people give you as a replacement for candy. or in fact, carry around large amounts of candy.
later on that day, we went around asking for something else free, i think money.
one guy asked us, "hey, aren't you the guys who were going around asking for candy?"
we glanced at each other and as if rehearsed we took off running like fugitives. the guy threw his water bottle at us. john halted, ran back, picked up the water bottle and we continued to run. never saying one word. we then proceeded on our quest for more free stuff.

9) i went up to the band named "the blamed" pointed my finger in their face and screamed, "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" and walked away.

10) a girl wanted us to take pictures of her group. john backed up in order to get the group in the shot, told me to run and we took off with her camera. we took pictures of random things. like: a lonely shoe, our names written in dust, wally...
then a light bulb appears over john's head as we are passing the men's shower area. he tells me, "when i say run, you'd better run fast and never look back."
he took the camera, turned it around the corner of the men's shower room and snapped a pic. laughing that hard and running can't be good for you.
we gave the camera back to the girl and did not tell her what we took pics of.
she sent him back some doubles of her pics. (i think john still gets mail under the name "teamaster") she couldn't believe that he took that pic. but the interesting thing about the picture of the shower room was, there were all sorts of nekkid men. but not one single dingle is showing. so it was like a made for TV movie. how on earth do you time that?

anywhat. there's only 10 stories from cornerstone for ya. someday i may tell you about the time i made about 75 dollars selling old t-shirts or when i almost ruined the Stryper concert. or maybe i won't.



here's a pic of me standing in the middle of THE APOCALYPSE.

why does no one else seem to be concerned?

WHAT'S MISSING FROM THIS PICTURE!?!?

NO ONE CAN RESIST THE POWERS OF THE HYPNO-COW!

make your own funny caption in the comment section.

now.

i simply cannot stay awake through the movie, polar express.

so tell me, do the polar bears actually get to eat santa at the end, or what?

this.

this is a picture of nate.

and why is this a special picture of nate?
is it because he's wearing a suit? no.
is it cuz he appears to be laughing at a really, really, really funny joke? no.

it's because 5 seconds before this picture was taken he was nailed in the crotch by a football.
hard.

if you think the person holding him is consoling him on his recent injury, you are wrong.
i told him to hold nate up so we could see his expression for the camera.
notice the discoloration of his face. he was like 18 different shades of red.
i'm sure glad this didn't happen to me.

bwa hahahahahahaahahaha!

i've asked quite a few girls about this and a majority of them told me they would NOT do it.

i've asked, if they ever had the chance, would they go back to high skool age with all the knowledge they know now. would they do it all over again.

i now call it, "The Uncle Rico Syndrome"

my wife was one that i got my main info out of. she just said high skool was hell for a teenage girl. she would never wanna repeat that.
i asked, even if you knew everything you know now? you could sidestep all the obstacles. stay away from the bad people. avoid wearing fashion statements that will be painfully regretted. invest in microsoft. yada yada yada.



now me, i would sooooooo go back. as long as i could retain my memories up till now. that hell date i mentioned earlier, never would have happened. i could have never told anybody that john and i were secret agents. i would have never worn cavaricci pants, or even cavaricci knock-offs. a butt-load of things i would have or never have done. i would never have paid to see weeekend at bernie's II. ...etc.

sure, i'd make just as stupid mistakes in their place. i would say something even more stupid than, "he's a banana." or "we're secret agents"

but, hey, sometimes ya gotta roll the dice.

i know i would do this too, cuz it's a recurring dream. i used to think i never had those. but it always turns out in the dream that i'm back in high skool or college. but of course, i'm the same age i am now. everybody seems to be ok with this. the last one i remember, i was trying to keep my job in pools and figure out how to go to my old college. ...in lincoln, il. kind of a commute. but, hey. i wake up. i go on with my life. which does not involve time travel.

and the magic word is: monkeyboogers.

so they closed the Taco Bell by my house.

this made me all kinds of sad because i was so excited that one of the benefits of moving here was that i would be very close to taco bell.
i relocated here from a richer neighborhood that i could no longer afford.
someday, i may go back there. depending on moo-la.
p.s. they just built a taco bell very close to where i used to live...

well, i am gonna miss that taco bell in that location.
i mean:
sure, it was a sucky restaurant.
sure, they had a poorly trained staff that got your order wrong 90% of the time.
sure, it wasn't the cleanest dining establishment i've ever frequented. (see above)
sure, they were a bit overpriced compared to other taco bells.
sure, they didn't have an indoor bathroom and the outdoor one was only one step above finding a dark corner somewhere.

but it was MY taco bell dangit!!!!!

now here's the cruel part:

i was hoping a good fast food joint would swoop in and take it's place.
if they were to turn it into a KFC i would be the happiest boy on the planet.
practically every day i would stop on the way home for a snacker.
i would probably increase several pants sizes and die earlier than the early death i'm expecting.
but alas, no.
there are other restaurants i would want there, but KFC takes the top 'o' the list.
mcdonald's would take the bottom. they taste like paste. not the good kind.

but the food place that's moving in there is...

sharky's seafood?

what the crap, people? what the crap?!?!

and the worst part about this whole scenario in my world is the fact that john called me as he was driving by it just to laugh and rub it in.

i am so not a happy cat about this...

someone needs to suffer.

sometimes i wonder how in the world Eeyore ever got invited to parties.

i don't know if the movie Crash made me more or less racist.

on a lighter note:

clowns.

i'm not very good at imitating homosexuals.

y'know, that whole lisp thing.

like saying fabulous or super.

i found this out because i was blow drying my daughters hair and tried to say something along those lines.

it just didn't work.

and frankly, i don't see that as a bad thing.

video games are a tool created by the devil to lower your self esteem.

there, i said it.

the other night we had some people over and i was showing off my Darth Vader Lightsaber replica. it's from Master Replicas. makes sounds, lights up, yada yada yada.

anyway, one of the guys noticed the handle was unwieldy and uncomfortable to hold
and he asked, "how are you supposed to kill a bunch of jedi with this thing?"

and one of the girls asked, "you guys do know that that's just a movie right?"

what i should have said was, "so the question is:how can david prowse, who's wearing 20 pounds plus of a costume (not including the helmet), run around swinging a handle for a camera flash bulb with a piece of reflective glass attached to it. while mark hamill only has to jump around in a tan jumpsuit and a belt. add that and the fact that he didn't even get to say his own lines, even the script read, 'luke, i KILLED your father.' no, i'm pretty sure i know it's only a movie...

but what i really said is, "i know."

and continued to swing around the lightsaber toy.

somebody was actually selling this on ebay.

don't ask me how i came across it.

i just did, that's all.

so there.

why Q?

every moment i live is agony...

sometimes i shouldn't be allowed to play with my kids toys.

ok.

i understand a show like Smallville celebrating it's 100th episode.
that show has a following and is actually addictive to watch.

but reba? 100 episodes? really? um, why?

anyway, the reason i know this is cuz i started watching the reality show called beauty and the geek. it interests me. not that i will stick with it. reality shows make me cranky.

on a side note. this is the only part of the season of american idol that i like to watch. once they start following the kids who are actually talented i lose interest faster than a girl watching star wars.
is it evil that i love watching people fail?
probably...

CIRCLE OF LIFE!

and speaking of josh, fer years he's been tellin me that i should write a book.
he says that he would buy 10 copies.
i appreciate that.
in fact, i'd love to write a book. i'd love to see it hit the shelves.
i'd love to see how fast it got marked down and placed in the budget bin at borders.
would my 15 minutes of fame actually last the whole 15 minutes?
i'd say my chances of being published are slim to nil considering i'm way to lazy to actually pursue this goal persistently.
so i'm leaving it you America! oh wait, i'm leaving it to you world!!!!
(i forgot, i'm worldwide, baby!)
get me a book deal. see my name in print. i could be SOMEBODY!!!
maybe even someday i can write scripts for TV shows that nobody is gonna stay up for.
i'm sure i'd be an editors worst nightmare.
he would pull out his hair and scream, "why doesn't he capitalize!!?"
my editor would have to be a guy. from my research teams i've learned that women don't get my humor. at least my wife tells me that not everything i write is funny. gotta love that brutal honesty. love it, love it, love it.
at least my writing is not like it was in high skool. i used all caps back then.
and contrary to popular belief, i'm not always yelling. sometimes, being subtle is what the job calls for.
i'd love to tell you that i don't capitalize cuz i know that it means yelling, kicking and screaming on the internet, but that's not the case.
i'm just too lazy to hit the caps lock and/or shift key.
if you've ever seen me type, you would wonder how i ever got anything written.
i believe the term is hunt and peck. i have no rhyme or reason to what fingers hit the keys.
so back to my slow rise to book writin fame.
spread the word my people!
well, at least tell every man, woman, child and cat about www.spacemanrocks.com
and never trust anyone over 30!


the picture is just for kicks. so there.

i put josh in a life and death situation yesterday.
and through this i found out his last words on this earth would indeed be:

"holy crap."

said softly.


i'm sure my words would be worse. they might not even be in english.
i've been known to just shout out something unintelligible, like, "SHIBIDIWONGA!"
...or something like that...
anyway, i hope you see my point.

i was really hungry for a gyro.

robert barnes need to stop giving out our phone number as his "fake" number.

he owes some people a lot of money.

we don't have it and obviously, neither does he.

so there.

dang! the 80's had some cool toys.

you poor kids in the 90's only had gay power rangers.

place caption here.

it's evil. IT'S DIABOLICAL! IT'S LEMON SCENTED!!!!

it's always bothered me that on Spongebob Squarepants things catch on fire... underwater! ahhhh well. it's just a cartoon.

anywhatsit. i promised you a story of a hellish date that i had in high skool.
here's how it begins:
this was my freshmen or soph year, can't remember. the girl in question, let's call her "donna" was a year older than me. she went to my church and high skool. her brother, let's call him "steve" was in my grade and sat behind me in biology.

word got around to me that it was in my best interests to "ask her out." so i did it the manly and most direct way. i sent her notes through her brother. a long, tedious process is probably the worst way to start a relationship. well, through much miscommunication we got a date set.

since i was a young lad i did not drive a whole lot. (kinda like matt. zing!) i arranged for my mom to drive me there to pick her up and escort us to the mall. then my friends from church would meet us after the movie at burger king. simple plan, right? well, we shall see...

i'm going to throw in another character that is pertinent to this story. let's call her "kay." kay was, to put it nicely, "not nice." every youth group has one, church related or otherwise. the kind of guy, or (most of the time) girl that makes you just not want to come back to an otherwise fun place. kinda sad that they only have fun making others miserable, but hey, circle of life.
well, she tried to throw a wrench in the plan. my mom drove me to donna's house. i got to the door, donna answers. she gives me this guilty look and asks if we can postpone our date. why? because kay called and she was babysitting some kids who wanted to see teenage mutant ninja turtles. i was just plain amazed and bewildered she was trying to snake her way out of it. and who was convincing her to do the snaking! well, somehow i convinced her to fulfill her commitment to at least see the date through. it had to do with our friends having to wait for us at the restaurant.
this was looooong before cel phones were an accerory on every teen in America.

so she reluctantly gets in the car and my mom chauffeurs us to the mall. ahhh, the mall. the place to be and waste time for teens in the 80's - 90's -ish. we purchased tickets to see the movie "joe vs. the volcano" starring pre-oscar winner, tom hanks.
we had about an hour to waste before the movie so we shopped in the mall in order to find a birthday present for, wouldn't ya know it?, kay. now this girl donna had made up her mind that she did not want to be with me before i even knocked on her door. so, let's put it this way, have you ever been in a situation with a person where EVERYTHING you do or don't do is wrong? well, that explains how the rest of the date went. but i will give you some more details just cuz it only gets worse.
through the long shopping experience, all we did was argue. i'm positive she would have argued the color of the sky or that humans breathe oxygen if i would have brought it up. we ended up getting kay a colorful scented candle by the way.

movie time. the movie was funny in a stupid kind of way. not great, not bad. now lemme ask you this. have you ever sat next to someone and you feel that they can't sit far enough away from you while still sitting in the seat next to you. i had no intention of making a move. but if i had wanted to, i would need to be sitting sideways just like she was. it was like feeling an aura of "DON'T TOUCH!". afterwards, we argued about the movie as well. go figure.

and just when you think it can't get worse.

lemme explain something. for those of you not familiar with how malls worked way back when. the mall really was the place to be. they had stores and restaurants inside the megastore and in the parking lot in walking distance. so. they happened to have a burger king inside the mall... aaaaaand one in the parking lot. (remember, no cel phones) when i asked my friends to meet us at burger king, i meant the one inside.
they waited for us at the one outside.
the girl and i were practically yelling at each other about the situation. it just got plain ugly. she was even gonna call her friend kay to pick us up. that, would have been fuel to an already raging blaze. i'm glad she didn't anyway, after much time wasted. and no more feelings left to hurt. we managed to catch up to our friends at the parking lot BK. the hell date was over. we went home.

so there you have it. hopefully, a good story about a bad date.

i hope this never happens to you.

the next entry you will read will be about one of my more hellish dates that i had in high skool. just lemme gather my thoughts, i'll be back to write more as soon as i feel like sittin my butt down and typing lots.

so there.

CAAAAAAAAN YOUUUUUUUUUU DIG IIIIIIIIT!

my finger is on the button.

HAPPY SPACE DAY, EVERYBODY!!!

this is probably one of the best pics i've got of the svelt young Spaceykins of yonder past.

alas, where is that young lad now?

PURE EVIL.

go ahead. try to sleep with this picture hanging over your bed at night.

i dare you.

y'know? ministers are NOTORIOUS for ruining movies that you haven't seen.

there, i said it.

what are you NOTORIOUS for?

ANSWER ME!!!

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED, BILLY!

BWAHAHAHAHAAHA!

LeVon: see what i got here, Barry?

Barry: what's that, LeVon?

LeVon: why, it's a box a puddin, Barry. and look here on the back. its says, "cook and chill" and that's what i do all night. i cook. and then i chill.

Barry: awww yeah.