Lightsabers and Lollipops

Gelfling!?!




scariest muppet ever.

well, that and miss piggy.


PEACE!!!

Not the Chris Farley version.




this movie was great! sheep turning evil and eating people! people turning into sheep and eating other people! sheep crashing a car like Tunsis the Cat!


TUNSIS LOOK OUT!!!!!

happiness is a warm gyro.

i would give my favorite Star Wars collectible if i could get an ironclad guarantee that bugs would never fly in my face,ESPECIALLY MY EYES, while i worked.

it's been like a Biblical plague lately.

i would so let your people go if it meant that i could get some peace from the tiny winged beasts of the air.

GOSH!

(say the last thing like Napoleon Dynamite.)

mother nature is a jerk.

Vote for Bruce.




i hope Ash wins.

if only comic book nerds voted...

Now what did we learn?

alright.

so i will never do that again.





this is what happens when you forget to add water to Ramen Noodles and microwave them for 3 minutes.

learn from my mistakes, children.

only you can prevent microwave fires. only you.



... i really shouldn't be left alone any more.

Space is not handy.

-or-

I know why Spacey shouldn't fix things.

here's a story about why i have no right to be around tools or the projects they were created for.

it's sad that i'm not handy. i just never inherited that male gene that allows me to assemble cabinetry or rebuild an engine.
i absorbed more of the artistic genes. which also sucks because i don't do anything extraordinary enough to make money so i can hire people to do projects that anybody who knows the right way to aim a hammer should be able to do.

mediocrity in the art world usually only makes it onto your mom's fridge or at the very least... an internet blog.

hmm.

so i had some free time tonight and i decided to see what little things needed to be done that i've been procrastinating. like putting away clean clothes, cleaning off the desk or switching the license plates on my wife's car.

the license plate switcheroo should have taken all of five minutes.

in theory...

sigh.

ok. the front license plate, no problem. i had to find a correct sized socket piece instead of just a philips or regular screwdriver. but that was the only obstacle. bing bada boom. done.

the rear plate proved more difficult.
used same ratchet. the nut fought back a little. i applied a little more pressure. i start wondering who would tighten it this much and SNAP! the head breaks off.
crap.

here's something to think about here.
i am downright terrible at fixing things. we've established that.
what i am good at but not proud of... is breaking things.
not smashing and destroying like my favorite scene of Office Space where they take their revenge on the rogue printer.
i have the unfortunate tendency to break something that was easy to fix in the first place and damage it far worse and make it more time consuming and expensive to fix than it was before i even looked at it.
it's a curse.

now back to the story at hand.

since the first screw was rusty and reluctant to be removed i got the smarts to spray the second one with WD40 and wait. i was very proud of myself for thinking about this.
that, and the head from the first screw was embedded in the socket i used and it wasn't gonna come out. (in fact, it's still in there, as a reminder of my shame.)
so i had to find another 10mm socket. after much searching and cussing i found one and lo and behold, it did not fit. but a 9mm was too small. 10mm too big. had to go English.
my sockets are in no particular order. in fact they are in a plastic bag right now. long story short (too late) i acquired a whole set of sockets and other Craftsmen tools from some guy who was throwing em out cuz he didn't feel like sorting them out and his wife said they had to go. so there.

i found the right size. i sprayed a little more WD40 on just in case. i gently started to turn the ratchet in a lefty loosey fashion. and SNAP! broke the head off that one too.

why me?

it gets worse.

so now i've got two broken screws in the only holes in the rear of the car to hold up the plate. and now it's a matter of pride that i attach this plate onto the car in order to save face.

i get out the drill.






after more searching and more cussing i find some screws that will hold the license plate in place, though it may be just a quarter inch slightly to the right.
if my neighbors are nosy, they really have to be scratching their heads at what i'm doing at this point. maybe even placing bets on my stupidity.

i set the small bit into the drill and begin to use a power tool on a job that is now at the half hour mark compared to the original estimate of 5 minutes.

to call this frustrating is being nice.

the drill starts to make an indentation and SNAP! the drill bit too has broken.

i hang my head for a few moments.
i imagine charlie brown sad music playing.
i pack up whatever tools i have strewn about.
i put them back where i found them.
i place the license plate in the back window of the car between the seam and glass.
i close the garage door.
i calm down and try not to break anything else.
i sit down at the computer.
i start typing.

and that brings us to here.

i was going to replace the front tire on my mountain bike tonight.

but i decided against it.

one failure is enough for one night.

i'm going to go back to reading or watching movies. it may not be much, but it's nice to be good at something...





i don't know how to drive a stick shift either.

karma has been kicking me in the butt lately.

and i don't even believe that buddha died for our sins.


sheesh.

and now i'm wondering how to get dried mouse blood off the floor. the last Dinglenoose did not go quietly. i'm sure there was mouse screaming involved. i took a picture. it may not be suitable for younger viewers.

wifey says i need a new hobby.

cleaned out the garage last week. well, kind of. things were rearranged. dirt was swept somewhere. verbal exchanges were made. feelings were hurt. and i will never see that recipe again.


wifey wanted a specific corner of the garage set aside for her gardening/yard work materials. a corner that has not been used or cleaned for a long, long time.

long enough to hide this:




my best guess is that this dried husk was once a squirrel. it made a dry leaf sound as i swept it outside and into the garbage.

it really disturbs me when animals come into my house to die. even in the dirty garage. they need to go back to nature and become part of it again.

which reminds me.
in the movie, "over the hedge" i was not on the animals side.
sure, a tiny little part of me felt bad that we evicted the animals from their forested homes and put up neat little suburbs. but i didn't like that they broke into homes and stole our spuddies.

maybe i'm just not a nature lover cuz i work outside. maybe it's because the job i have is to fight nature constantly. an inground pool can turn into a swamp quickly.
i've seen it happen. it ain't pretty.

ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants ants

so i woke up at 2 a.m. because an ant bit my arm .
i killed it and spent a few minutes staring at the little dead exoskeleton wondering why it woke me me up.
now every little twitch and itch feels like another tiny annoyance crawling on my flesh.
well, that's the point i'm at in my life right now.


sea turtles, mate.

Victor in a box.




the box was addressed to me.
i knew what was inside it.
but i didna wanna open it.
i especially didn't want to take the contents of the box home.
this ain't benny and joon.



oh.

and,
IT'S A REAL SHAME WHEN FOLKS BE THROWIN AWAY A PERFECTLY GOOD WHITE BOY LIKE THAT.

sorry.