Lightsabers and Lollipops

i ask once again, really??






if i was michelle, i would sue.

BEHOLD! THE MYSTERY CAR!!!




Hot Wheels adds a little mystique and adventure to your toy buying experience with "The Mystery Car!"

so i made a fun guessing game out of it for youth groups.

1) buy a mystery car

2) make a list of colors

3) have people mark down their guesses

4) open mystery car, unveil the surprise

5) winner gets prize, which is the toy car itself.




the whole ordeal costs one dollar American.
it was my idea first. patent pending.

now my three year son, he loves the mystery car. while i had him at target i bought him a car of his choice and one for the game.
but ever since then, all he wants is the black boxed unknown car.

he doesn't even know what the word mystery means. he just knows it's a fun game with dad. and he's gotten some pretty cool cars since. here are a few.







sometimes i even buy him the ones that people who hate guessing games have opened slightly to see it but don't like what they see.




circle of life.

i would make a terrible hand model.

Trouble.

Spacey: y'know what?

Wifey: you forgot my birthday?

Spacey: (speechless)...

ummmm

i thought it was tomorrow...

Wifey: don't worry. i really don't care.

(we all know this is a lie.)

Spacey: um.. happy birthday?

______________________________


at this point i try to walk away and not say or do anything that will make me look any more stupid or idiotic.

but we all know that's not what's going to happen. i've dug the hole and i seem to keep carrying the shovel around with me.


help.

NEVERMIND PEOPLE. EVERYTHINGS A-OK!

PEOPLE OF EARTH. PLEASE, HEED MY WARNING! A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT HAS OCCURRED...

another prime example of why i hate people.

the following is a conversation between myself and a customer at the bookstore i work at part time:

the - dashes - represent the storytelling.
while the (parenthesis) represent what i was thinking but not saying out loud.

enjoy.

Customer –
excuse me, do you work here?

Spaceykins –
yes I do.

- she gives me a scowling look like I’ve done something wrong already –

Customer -
do you have any Barack Obama calendars?

Spaceykins –
no, I’m afraid we have been out of those for awhile. Once we hit the end of the year, we no longer stock any more calendars. When we sell out of them, we don’t get any more.

Customer –
why not? You should have them.

Spaceykins –
well, lemme check with the rest of the store.

- at this point I go on the store walkie-talkie system and ask if we have any obama calendars left. -
- I know the answer. -
- they know I know the answer. -
- This is a show to illustrate that I have asked everyone, including the manager, if there is any way in the world that this store has any items in question in stock. -

Spaceykins –
no ma’am. There are no more left in the store, we have been out of that calendar for awhile.

Customer –
well, can you order more?

Spaceykins -
no. I am sorry. We don’t order calendars. Once we run out, we are out.

(I thought I said this before)

Customer –
Well, why not? You should be able to order them. That makes no sense.

(sigh, here we go…)

-At some point, one of my managers says over walkie that the only way to get one any more is to order them on our .com/website. –

- I suggest that –

Annoying Customer –
well your’e gonna have to do that for me in the store. I don’t know how to use them computers.

(no surprise there)

Spaceykins -
ok. No problem.

- the computer that runs our .com is super slow. So this adds to the misery.-

Spaceykins –
ok, good. They still have some left on the website. They are half off. Also good.

Annoying Customer –
do they also have any of his comic book?

(this is the next annoying thing for us booksellers, Obama is supposed to be appearing in a Spider-Man comic book this week. So the question of the day has been “do y’all have that comic book with Barack Obama in it?” of course, the answer is… no. not because we hate you. Not because we don’t want you to have it. Not even because we are hiding it for ourselves and are selling it on ebay. The answer is no because we simply do not have it. And if we did have it, we would sell out of it fast. And then we would no longer have it. Still.
Not that I’m against a guy who already won to continue with positive publicity. I think his public relations team are geniuses. It’s just that I’m a comic book geek and politics usually aren’t a big part of that world. All I gotta ask is, “et tu Spidey?”)

Spaceykins -
No ma’am. We don’t have that. Magazines come in on Tuesdays and Fridays. They are first come, first serve. We don’t save or order them.

Annoying Customer -
Well, why not?

(oh, for the love of…)

Spaceykins -
We just don’t. magazines are different. They are limited and they are only out for a certain amount of time.

(I know that means the same thing, but I was considering my audience at this point.)

Annoying Customer -
Oh, well I don’t see why we can’t reserve them.

(it’s because people like you would complain that we are playing favorites by reserving them for people and that we are losing money by not selling them to customers who are actually in the store with money and somehow we would also be racist as well. I’m just sayin.)

Spaceykins -
We just don’t.

Annoying Customer -
Do you have any more of those obama dolls?

(really? I mean… really?!!)

Spaceykins -
Lemme see. Nope. All we have is an obama paper doll book in the kids section, did you want that?

Annoying Customer -
No, not right now.

(no, you want to wait till we are sold out. Then get mad cuz we can’t order any more. Then throw a fit and keep asking why when the answer is a definite no.)

Spaceykins -
Ok.

- so I go through the order process, remember, the computer is slow, so this takes time and other customers start to gather and stare at me. I can feel their eyes burning into me as I wait for this ordeal to be over.-

- we get to the point where I’m about to submit the order and she asks if we can order two of them.-

(HU-WHAT!?)

Spaceykins -
Suuuuure.

- so I hit the back button about 4 times, and begin again. We get to the part where it asks for an email address. The section has asterisks next to it. Which of course means you can’t go on unless you fill out that info. So I ask: -

Spaceykins -
Can I have you email please?

Annoying Customer -
What do I look like?! I’m 54 years old. I don’t know anything about no computer stuff. I don’t see why they be needin your email if you don’t have one. They just tryin to get me to sign up for all kinds of stuff I don’t want.

-at this point another elderly customer chimes in and starts going off on junk emails and how all they do is send you viruses and just hating the digital age. –

(doesn’t any one teach these people how to use the “junk filter” on their email? Sigh.)

Spaceykins -
Alright, well, they won’t let me order this unless I have an email…

-at this point she starts into another tirade about technology but I cut her off and do something stupid by entering one of my email addresses. I was desperate. This woman needed to get out of the store and out of my life. Oh, did I mention my shift was almost over? –

-After the credit card information was entered I hit “order” and hoped fervently that it would go through.
And lo and behold, it did not go through. It informed that technical difficulties prevented your order from being filled. -

(sigh)

- luckily. I was able to just go through the motions from the “shopping cart.”

(whew)

- as I’m finalizing her order, she actually asked me this question: -

Annoying Customer -
Do you have a King James Bible… written in plain English?

(oh. You have got to be kidding me!! Did she actually just ask that? Am I being filmed? Is this a test? If I stabbed her in the eye, would anyone notice?)
Spaceykins -
I… i… have the New King James version. It has a lot less “thees” and “thous.”

Annoying Customer -
No, I had a Bible that said on the front of it “King James : in plain English”
I need another one.

Spaceykins -
Well, here’s the NKJV. That’s the best I could do. Maybe you might have better luck at the Family Bookstores down the street.

(that's right! i'm trying to push you off another store. lete them deal with a mean lady who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. please get out of my life and be someone else’s problem. PLEASE!)

-at that point it was time to clock out so when she asked if we had any Bibles in plain English that also had larger print, I said I would go check.

-…I went to the back, clocked out and left the store. Apologizing to my replacement, but could not explain why I couldn’t talk about why I was leaving in such a hurry. Sorry, dude.)

- I had to go! If this lady was going to ask me why they didn’t have a King James Bible in plain English and that they should and that it wasn’t right that there was no King James Bible without any “thou shalt” and we should be able to order it on the website I was probably going to do everything I could to tip a bookshelf on top of her and walk away wiping the dust from my hands. –

So there.


This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers.

i'm watching a sci-fi movie called Dead Space.

and as usual, alien zombies take over the ship and kill everybody.
you'd think there would be a protocol for that...

anyway.
all of the escape pods are launched at the same time. seems to always happen. makes it seem like there's no hope.

but i'm thinking, why is that a function?

why is there a button that launches every one of the escape pods, empty or full?
shouldn't that be a choice of the person in the pod?

it just bothers me that there is an option of sending all of them at once hurling into the void.

just plain silly i tells ya.

short steve likes my stories. so nyeh.

friday. last.

it was one of those days where i didn't have to get out of bed.
so really, i shouldn't have.

my 3 year old son had scarlet fever (yes, i didn't know that was still around either)so i had been staying at home watching him and a lot of Thomas the tank engine all week long.
so i was surprised when wifey told me that she was taking both kids with her to skool/daycare. the night before i went to sleep thinking the next day would hold more adventures about trains with creepy faces.

like i said. i should have gone back to bed.

instead, i made a plan. which is the best way to make God laugh.

now i did goof around a bit. probably watched an episode or two of the show called Reaper. a show about a guy who turns 21 and finds out his parents sold his soul to the devil to be his bounty hunter.
happens all the time, i guess.

around 11:00am i managed to get out of the house.
the plan:
go to bookstore. pick up check. go to bank. cash check. go to target. buy volume 5 or 6 of Family Guy cuz it's on sale for $14.99. go back to bookstore. buy a book while using my $5.00 in credit. walk away smiling. go to fast food restaurant of my choice. take food home. watch more Reaper while eating and drinking Dew.

good plan?
sure.
it's the little things. it really is.

so i get to the bookstore and i'm informed that the checks haven't arrived because of the previous holiday. so everything is a day off. they will be in any time between now and 6pm.
sigh.

the plan deteriorates.

so now i'm a guy out and about, 9 dollars in cash in my pocket. $8.11 in my bank account that i use to earn on Ebay. i surmise that i can still buy a volume of Family Guy if i can convince the clerk at the register to ring up 9 dollars in cash and the remainder on the bank card.
...anyone who has done this knows that it can be easier said than done.

and did you guess right?
the girl at the register, even though she honestly did try, rang it so that it all went on the bank card.
now here's the rub.
i can have her fix it and recharge it the correct way. but this can turn into something ugly on my bank account with charges and recharges that would take weeks and like 70 dollars to fix at least. live and learn, Spacey. live and learn.

so i say no big deal. i will fix this with my bank and leave the store.

so now i'm driving as fast as i can to my bank so that i can deposit my lousy 9 dollars into the account and hope it clears before the target charge so i don't end up spending 45 dollars or more on a dvd set that i meant to get on a great sale.

aftermath on the finances: it was all good. i averted the overcharge. huzzah!

but!
on the way home from the bank i must have made a weird turn to close to the curb because, well...

when i got home, i got out of my truck i heard a sizzling or hissing sound from the back. at first i thought one of my gallons of muriatic acid had spilled and that was the sound of it dripping and causing a reaction. but the chemicals were fine.
the hissing sound was coming from the passenger rear tire.

usually, when a tire springs a leak, it's hard to see the cause of air escaping.
there was absolutely no guessing game this time.
the problem was plain as day.
there was a small wrench embedded into the sidewall of the tire.





now the angle of this is just about impossible.
john says that only i could have done this. i'm pretty sure he's right.
in fact i think wifey said the words, "only you..."

my other theory is that a ninja threw it directly into my tire while i was driving home.
but i haven't done anything to piss off the ninjas lately. so i'm thinking... no.

luckily, i discovered this at my house, because the tire was flat in about 10 minutes.
now comes the changing of the tire.
which i have never done by myself.
but luckily, both times that it had to be done to this truck before, i helped.
so i knew where the tools and jack were. and how to remove the full sized spare from the bottom of the silverado. if i hadn't seen someone else do it before, the tire would probably still be flat and unchanged. it was tricky to remove it once i lowered it. a lot of "how in the...?" was muttered. google was consulted and finally the manual itself.
the jacking of the vehicle was what wasted so much of my precious time. i was super careful. the last thing i needed was for wifey to come home to find the love of her life trapped under something heavy like say... a truck.
i just didn't want another "only you..." story.
so three attempts two different jacks and one hour later (the jack that came with my buick worked so much better) and the tire was changed.

as soon as i finished, wifey pulls up with the kids. she is done with work early.
this kind of killed my day off alone. i wasn't too disappointed. i was kind of scared of what could happen next.

the rest of the night was uneventful. went to bookstore. collected check. went to bank. cashed check. picked up Applebee's for me and wifey. i had a cowboy burger. that's about as "Cowboy Up" as i get.

and now, i get to explain this to my boss.

did i mention it was a work truck?

and then John showed up with 20 tacos and said, "you know, you're right, tacos Do rule."

two words: laziness.