Lightsabers and Lollipops

ok, so.

i am currently on winter hours for my job as a pool boy. it's what i look forward to all year. i only have to work 2 days a week. wednesdays and thursdays. last year i got my house ready to sell, converted my music collection to mp3 format and watched a heck of a lot of television series on DVD.

this year, most of the stuff i wanna do around the house actually involves money cuz i'm just not qualified enough to work on electricity or paint. trust me, i've had bad experiences with both.

so i decided the best thing to do would be to get some part time work for extra cash-a-lony.

since i have made a sacred vow to never ever work in the food industry, that leaves my other field of expertise: music and/or movies. i applied at the video store near my house. that went well, but i'm sure they have plenty of help already. then i called my buddy at circuit city. he had me fill out an application online. i had to remember all the places i worked before. oy, it's been a long time.
unfortunately, circuit city doesn't need my help. phooey.

i haven't had to hunt for a job in like 8 years. here's the protocol that i remember from the old days:

1) dress nice, but don't overdress. just look good and presentable.

2) always bring your own pen, maybe two. never ask for an application then ask to borrow a pen. this makes you look prepared.

3) do no ask if they are hiring. ask for an application. by law they have to give you one. fill it out in the workplace. just remember to stay out of the way of the customers. maybe even try to have a conversation with the manager on duty.

4) if you can, try to bring John with you. he's got a way with people. it's interesting to watch him use his Jedi mind tricks. (he doesn't even like Star Wars, he just knows people. it's weird)


when i was an asst. manager at sam goody there was a gentleman who disregarded every single one of these techniques. he came in smelling of body odor and pot. (which to me, smell the same. so when you mix them together, it's verrrry unpleasant) he was wearing a ragged old flannel. and the fact that he was just an unshaven mess didn't help. (on a side note, the person i'm describing sounds homeless. this was not true in his case, he was buying cd's. i'm all for givin people a break if they need a job when they are down on their luck.) so, he starts off with the regular, "are y'all hirin?" we did not, in fact, need anybody at the time. he did not believe me. he also did not ask for an apllication. he just started to yell at me and say loudly, "oh so you're all not hirin me cuz i'm black!" which i actually laughed because more than half my staff was black. that's right i said black! black black black! anyway, then i placed an application in his hand. he saw that he couldn't cause anymore of a scene with me and he left the store. so he didn't even ask to borrow a pen. i don't believe he ever turned in the application afterwards. so there ya go, i'm not much of a racist, but i do prefer people to not smell and act offensively.

well, that was a long tangent.

moving on. i went to target yesterday cuz i knew they were hiring. steve g. tipped me off on that one. so i shower, shave and smell good and even throw on a nice sweater. i throw 2 good pens in my pocket. and i'm off to the store. i go in, confident, ready to schmooze. i ask at the service desk "may i have an application?"
she points me to the computers and says they are on the kiosks. i had to remind myself what a kiosk was, sat down and proceeded to answer yes/no and ABCD questions.
basically, a test to show that you won't be a whiny jerk about your job while stealing. also, they like to see if you suffer from leadership.

basically, the point that i'm taking so long to make is i didn't have to smell good or be suave to apply for a job. i could have gone in on day three of boycotting showering smelling like a junior higher after playing 10 hours of dodgeball. i just have to answer positively about my attitudes about management, theft and coplaining about my crappy job.

ahh heck with it. if i don't get a part time job i will just be happy to hang around my house and play women's volleyball on my xbox. maybe i'll catch up on episodes of desperate housewives.

...and get sooooooooo fat.

where's my buffalo chicken sammich!?!!?

SPACE? IN LEAGUE WITH EVIL?

yup, you saw it with your own eyes, Spacey has switched sides. i have partnered up with Evil Ash from the movie Army of Darkness. and yes, that's the ever horrible Necronomicon, the book of the dead, in my hands. and as soon as i utter the sacred words: Klaatu, Barada, Nikto. the world will be mine! Bwa hahahahahaha.


actually, sorry kids. there is no book of the dead written in blood. the book you see in this pic had no pages in it. i was kinda disappointed. just a rubbery binder.
and am i evil? probably. but i have not, and probably never will, risen the unholy dead to do my bidding. it's just not something i normally do. i'm more of the pee all over the toilet seat or put greeting cards back in the wrong slots kind of evil.

and remember kids, electricity is both a blessing and a curse.

my daughter still calls Christmas; piss-piss.

i've been told by readers of my site that they found that quite funny from last year.

well, she also pronounces beautiful as "boobiful"

which makes me think of something COM-PLETELY different.

so there.

when is Kwanzaa? i wanna have my costume ready.

giblets.

and here's your ole pal Space with his ole pal David Prowse. he's the actor who was in the Darth Vader suit for Star Wars episodes IV through VI. he's a pretty nice guy. i still owe him three dollars...

TOLERANCE BINGO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT DO I WIN?

here's the link i tried to put up with the cat statement.

Kitty Powa!

cat lovers, you may want to avoid this one... i tried to warn ya...

from the sound of it, you guys are wantin to hear some space's cat stories.
well, maybe someday. but not today.
until then, i am SO rockin the suburbs.

my cat may have lived a torturous existence under my roof but at least i never attached him to an appliance.

the following can't be a new obvervation:

looking at tim burton's movies and his casting decisions i'm surprised that johnny depp was never Batman.

The final battle between Captain Bad Doorknob and Captain Good Helmet.
NOW WE GO!!!

these pics were taken from my skool id's.

the 90 one was taken promptly after football practice. so my hair is wet. plus i had just taken off my glasses for the picture, so i'm squinting.

the 91 pic was after a particularly bad haircut given to me by my sister. i did not want a mullet, but yet, there it was. i didn't talk to her for along while, and didn't cut my hair for even longer. after that, i only trimmed it in order to rid myself of the split ends.

as you can see in 92 and 93. i kept my hair clean and i rocked. so there.

94 i went to lincoln, and my id had no picture. actually, thank goodness. the haircut was very very very bad.

in 95 i finally made the jump to cut off almost all the hair, for some reason, the hairstyle cutter lady made my hair kinda stand up a little.

in 96 i dyed my hair black, for kicks. i'm glad i did that when i did. wouldn't be too long til it started to depart my skull. the funny thing about the black haired, gothic, pale look was that i was a redhead. so therefore, naturally pale. and since my eyebrows are blonde, well, my face disappeared. i had to use a black eyebrow pencil in order to make them visible. which is sad because:
A) i was wearing makeup

B) the makeup , upon close inspection, turned my eyebrows green

in the 97 one i finally found my style... sort of. that's the haircut i kept until it was just too darn thin to pretend i had hair up there any more. now i just buzz it short. next stop, propecia!

there ya have it. too much information on my past haircuts and skool life. someday i will tell you about the tightly braided tail...

THERE'S AN ALBINO CARE-BEAR!?!?!?

my daughter calls them "CARROT- BEARS" it's beyond cute.

everybody who loves my kids needs to buy them STAR WARS TOYS from BURGER KING. i'm gonna try, but i'm still sick of eating burger king from the last STAR WARS promotion.

and everybody who loves me needs to buy me the STAR WARS TOYS that are also TRANSFORMERS. i'm just plain broke. and i really, really, really want them.

thank you.
this has been a shameless plug in order to get me and my kids cool stuff.


....there's also a Colossus statue i would love to have...

stoopid movie night is almost upon us again. as always, bring snacks lots of carbonated soda, S-O-D-A, sodaaa. show up at 6:00 pm . friday, november 11th.
the picture you see here is what i believe to be my 3 yr old daughter's depiction of what stoopid movie night looks like. i want you to add you best caption or captions in the comments section.
here are some of my thoughts on this picture:
1) who invited c-3po?
2) why is ernie looking sadly out the window instead of enjoying the party?
3) and if i was going to hire anybody to work the door and be a bouncer, it would be chewbacca.

my kid set this whole thing up pretty much as is. the only thing i changed for the picture was i put chip and dale outside like they weren't cool enough to come in. she had them facing the corner like they were being punished for being bad. i should have left it, but i gotta have some artistic license. so there.

when should the next stoopid movie night be?

i'm re-evaluating my music collection while loading my ipod, ziggy.

i'm only on B today so i came across a lot of garth brookes and brooks & dunn.
i'm not a big fan of country music. in fact, no sir, i don't like it.

i gave a lot of thought to one of the many reasons why. here it is:

when i make fun of somebody who seems uneducated and just plain stupid, i use a voice like you would to sing country music. for instance, if you've seen the show family guy (and you should) you may have seen the episode where they hide out in the south. and one of the southern characters asks if the big city kids use "perfume for your armpits".
does that mean that i don't have a good opinion of the intellect of those who live south of the mason dixon line? probably.
in fact, from what i've heard from the music (when i'm in a situation where it can't be avoided) all i hear is ways to downgrade your station in life. i'm trying very hard to think of something positive that is sung about in country music. let's just pretend that we live in a place where gettin drunk and screwin anything that moves is NOT an act that requires applause.

now don't get me wrong. my taste in music does have it's pitfalls. from time to time, i do enjoy the "not so talented and mindless" songs from artists such as: biz markie, wesley willis and king kong. sometimes, stupid music just hits the spot.

it could be cuz i just don't frequent enough bars with nutshells and broken glass on the floors. course, you don't find me in many bars with clean floors either. not unless they serve really good jalapeno poppers. mmmm poppers...

just remember,

"fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son."
-dean wormer